First off let me say that I’m not one to poke fun at a tragedy, especially one involving death. However, if I passed away giving head or in some other strange way, I would expect nothing less than the gallows humor I am providing in the bizarre case that ended today in Florida. Richard Henry Patterson, 65, was acquitted of murder after his girlfriend, Francisca Marquinez, 60, choked to death performing oral sex on him.
The case got off to a rolling start when Ken Padowitz, Attorney for the blowee, wanted to show the jury his client’s penis in order to prove that the death was an accident. Right, because people with long penises are killing women every day during oral sex. Especially 65 year olds who are clearly on the back nine. Most porn films end with the man orgasming, and then burying the dead hot chick in the back yard. The attorney for the deceased stated, “Can’t we just use a mold or something instead of him showing his penis in court?” The defense stated they were willing to comply with that request, but there wasn’t enough clay on the planet to make an accurate mold. Padowitz also stated that his client’s member figured prominently in the “rough sex” defense.
Am I dreaming or did all this really happen in a U.S. court of law? Who drops trou in court to show the jury how long their penis is? Who walks through a court’s metal detector after placing a mold of their cock in the plastic tray? Who blows a 65-year-old man named Dick to the point where the blower drowns to death? And what attorney with an ounce of dignity uses the phrase “my clients member?”
What I would like checked in this case, rather than the girth of the defendant’s member (otherwise known as the lawyer’s client’s member, Exhibit A, or in this case the murder weapon), is Richard Patterson’s hearing. A woman is gagging and choking two feet below this bastard’s ear drums and he doesn’t hear the warning signs? Check his vision too, let’s see if he can detect the difference between a latino’s brown facial skin and the blue facial skin of someone who can’t get any air. Lastly, lay him on top of a stripper and see if he’s able to thrust his pelvis and hips forward in what we could term a “life conceiving” motion and then backwards which in this case would be a fucking life saving one. If those are all working up to par, then he murdered this poor woman.