Thus far Kent State cannot produce any certification required by the NCAA for the head football strength coach who was in charge when an athlete died last week. The athletic staff is still searching for the paperwork as we go to press, flipping over couches in the offices, and urging everyone to look in their cars, under floor mats and even in their septic tanks, should someone have used the necessary document to wipe. Ross Bowsher, who oversaw conditioning drills the day freshman Tyler Heintz died of complications from an abnormally high body temperature, was the only member of the staff who did not have any certification. Thus the perfect man to have in charge as young men run across a blazing hot turf field with nary a water bottle in sight and the sun directly overhead pouring ultra violet rays into their skulls.
One staffer said he was surprised Ross didn’t have certification, as he was “really knowledgeable about lifting weights and shit. And he knew about the dangers of working out in the heat, cuz he was all like sunburned ‘n stuff.” Okay then. Sounds like we may be hearing about this one in court.