Beyond the Wall: Your weekly “Game of Thrones” recap: 7×05 “Eastwatch”.

“Thought you may still be rowing.”

So, after last week’s explosive, unforgettable, incredible episode “The Spoils of War”, we wait a week to get…not quite a filler episode, but things were definitely slowed down a bit. Of course, you cannot really expect the show to follow-up a battle like last weeks with something to the same caliber. While we only have eight episodes left after tonight’s, the show still seems to know how to pace itself well by developing plots, setting new things into motion, and keeping the audience engaged.

While things slowed down this week, we got a HELL of a lot of development in the story of this wonderful show we have been watching for the past seven years (or past year if you binged it last Summer like I did). This week’s episode definitely depended on paying attention to dialogue, rather than simply watching a dragon burn everything in sight like last week. Let’s start off in…

Highgarden

The episode starts with some good news, Jaime is alive! Psh, what, did you really think they were going to make him drown? Would this show ever kill off a beloved character in a horrible way like that?…Anyway, we find out that not only did Bronn save Jaime once by tackling him out-of-the-way of dragon fire, but Bronn dragged Jaime to shore. Which begs the question…HOW FUCKING STRONG IS BRONN? Bronn has his own heavy shit on, he swims down, grabs Jaime, and swims with Jaime (who is in full armor) in hand, for what looks like to be a couple hundred yards. GIVE BRONN HIS GODDAMN CASTLE WITH ALL THE WHORES HE WANTS! Their convo basically goes:

Bronn: “The fuck you thinking, cunt?”
Jaime: “I could’ve ended the war by killing her.”
Bronn: “Did you not see the dragon between the two of you? Cunt? Listen cunt, a dragon doesn’t get to kill you, you don’t get to kill you, only I get to kill you.”
Jaime: “Dude, that was one dragon, she has two more. What if she uses them.”
Bronn: “You’re fucked, cunt.”
Jaime: “We’re fucked.”
Bronn: “Nope LOL I’m OUTTIE, cunt.”
Jaime: “I got to tell Cersei.”
Bronn: “Dumb cunt.”

We then see poor Tyrion walking through the field of ashes looking at his family’s fallen army. Peter Dinklage was GREAT this week. I mean, he always is, but the look on his face as he walked through the field was so powerful. He is so conflicted between his feelings for Jaime and his devotion to Daenerys that his decision-making has become very difficult. So, Dany tells the remaining Lannister army to bend the knee or die, to which most obey, except two, Randyll and Dickon Tarly. Dany is like “you won’t bend the knee?” and Randyll is like “Lol fuck no you suck, I serve Cersei.” Dany motions to her Dothraki men to seize Randyll, and suddenly here comes Big Swinging Dickon saying that if they kill Randyll, they must kill him too.

Randyll: “Shut up you stupid idiot.”
Tyrion: “Yeah, idiot don’t let your house die, ben-da-knee.”
Big Swinging Dickon: “No”
Dany: “Dracarys”

Drogon burns the Tarly men to ashes, and we say goodbye to one of the most well-developed, most badass, most under appreciated characters in the world of Game of Thrones, Dickon Tarly. Dickon, in a world of Gods and Monsters, you stood above them all. We only knew you for three episodes, but you stand among the best characters in the show. RIP Big Dickon *Cue “Leave the memories alone” by Fuel*

Lol peace Dickon.

This made the rest of the Lannister soldiers ben-da-knee REAL QUICK. Let’s see how our Mad Queen is doing in…

King’s Landing

Jaime heads in to see his love/sister .

Cersei: “How many men did we lose?”
Jaime: “Bitch you would not BELIEVE the day I just had!”
Cersei: “Don’t be a bitch.”
Jaime: “Olenna killed Joffrey.”

WOAH! You know, I didn’t think Jaime would end up telling Cersei. But then I remembered that Jaime is a fool who just can’t escape Cersei’s grasp. Jaime is literally your bestfriend who got a girlfriend and now doesn’t hang out with the boys anymore. I thought Cersei’s reaction here was very interesting. She doesn’t seem shocked that Olenna did it. It seems like she just couldn’t blame anyone else besides her disgusting little brother. Then we hear a DRAGON SCREECH and Jesus Christ I thought Dany brought a dragon to King’s Landing but it was just a cool transition to…

Dragonstone

Drogon lands in Dragonstone, seemingly unharmed from the scorpion bolt. Drogon yells at Jon for a bit while Dany does nothing. The beast calms down and just inspects the bastard for a bit, leading to Jon petting him on the snout. Hmmm, is there any way Jon isn’t a Targaryen at this point (More on this later!).

Jon: “You weren’t gone long.”
Dany: “Nope.”
Jon: “And?”
Dany: “Boi I killed so many people, but trust me, I’m nothing like my father!”

Suddenly, a Dothraki speaks some Dothraki stuff, saying that there is a man claiming to be Khaleesi’s friend. IT’S JORAH! HE’S BACK!

Dany: “He is my friend. You look strong.”
Jon: “Who the fuck are you?”
Jorah: “Jesus, Khaleesi another handsome young man? You must be loose as a goose by now.”

Slowly but surely…
We see some ravens flying over the wall, through gusty winds, until we finally see…Jesus Christ it’s the army of the dead. The ravens fly over the zombies and we finally see The Night King again. The King of the undead whips his head towards the ravens as they disperse. It was Bran warging into the ravens. He immediately says that ravens need to be sent at once. People around the kingdoms get ravens saying that Bran has seen the army of the dead moving towards Eastwatch. Varys is one of the men (people? Are eunuchs considered men still?) who gets the message about the army of the dead. He has some great banter with Tyrion here:

Tyrion: “Who’s that for?”
Varys: “Jon Snow.”
Tyrion: “Did you read it?”
Varys: “It’s a sealed scroll for the King in the North..”
Tyrion: “..What’s it say?”
Varys: “…Nothing good.”

Side Note: Tyrion is drinking again! Yay! This can only mean good things for the Seven Kingdoms. Also, Varys’ face when drinking wine is me whenever I am forced to drink house party alcohol.

Jon reads the raven, which also includes that Arya is in Winterfell. Jon says he needs to go home to protect his family from the dead. Tyrion devises a plan to capture a soldier of the dead, bring it to the capital, and convince Cersei that the dead are real. Lol, seems simple. Tyrion says that perhaps Jaime will listen to him and carry out this plan. “How will you get into the capital?” Dany asks. Hmmm, if only the group had a sassy smuggler on their team. The room directs their attention to DAVOS MOFUGGIN SEAWORTH, who basically says “fine”.

Dany: “How will we get one of these soldiers?”
Jorah: “I got you babe.”
Jon: “This mofugga better step off or I’m gonna…”

Jon says that in addition to Jorah, he will lead the mission into Eastwatch with the help of Tormund and the Wildlings.

Dany: “I haven’t given you permission to leave.”
Jon: “Well bitch guess what, I don’t need it. I’m DA-KING-IN-DA-NORF”

Speaking of Da Norf, let’s head to…

Winterfell

Sansa is listening to the people of the North, including Royce who always has something to bitch about, bitch about Jon being absent. They say that they should have elected Sansa Queen of the North instead of Jon, while Arya watches with a disapproving look on her face. Arya meets Sansa in her room, which used to be Ned and Cat’s room as Arya points out.

Arya: “You’re sleeping in the bed that our parents boned and conceived you, me, Bran, Rickon, Robb, and Jon you know?”
Sansa: “Not Jon.”
Arya: “Oh right, he’s a Targaryen.”
Sansa: “Wait, our characters don’t know that yet.”
Arya: “Oh right, anyway, why you being a bitch?”

Sansa explains to her little sister that if she does not play goody-goody with people like Royce, Jon will lose his army. Ahem, that’s Baelish’s army, not Jon’s. Well, technically it’s not even Baelish’s army…whatever, anyway. Arya then does her best Baelish impression being all creepy and trying to get Sansa to reveal what she really wants, to be Queen of the North, which Sansa claims she doesn’t want. Arya continues her Baelish impression by creeping around Winterfell and spying on…well, Baelish. He is up to something, FINALLY. We see him handing a woman a message. He is then seen speaking with Royce and Wolkan. Then Wolkan hands Baelish a message from Maestar Lewin’s archives. So, that look we saw Littlefinger give Wolkan when he said that raven scrolls were achieved was legit. Baelish confirms that this is the only copy of the message and leaves it in his room. I love scenes like this where we see someone like Littlefinger in the middle of his schemes.

Arya picks his lock and enters the room. I got to say, they gave Littlefinger a nice room. Arya rummages through whips and chains and badly photoshopped naked pictures of Sansa, before finally finding the message hidden in the mattress. It is hard to read, but it looks like the message Sansa was forced to write by Cersei to her brother Robb saying to bend the knee to Joffrey. Arya takes it and leaves, and who is lurking behind her….LITTLEFINGEEEEEEER!! FUCK YES! HE HAS ONE MORE CARD UP HIS SLEEVE. Baelish said to Wolkan, “Lady Stark thanks you for your service”. This could be his way of making it look as if Sansa was the one who wanted this message to be hidden, pitting the sisters against each other.

Hell yes. Contrary to the past couple of weeks, Littlefinger is a little less fucked.

Let’s head back to…

King’s Landing

Davos smuggles Tyrion through Blackwater Bay and ladies and gents it is time for our favorite time of the week, iiiiiiits SASSY DAVOS MOFUGGIN SEAWORTH TIIIIME!

Tyrion: “Last time I was here I killed my father with a crossbow.”
Davos: “Last time I was here you killed my son with wildfire.”

Damn. #RIPMatthos #RIPStannis

Tyrion: What if someone takes the boat?”
Davos: “Then we’re FOCKED.”

Bronn leads Jaime through the Red Keep and tells him they will be sparring down there, but Bronn has led Jaime right to Tyrion for an interesting reunion between the brothers. Everytime Peter Dinklage delivers a line about being born a dwarf, there is always so much truth being put into the line.

“Did he-….did he thin-….did he think I wanted to be born this way? Did he think I chose it?” was probably the best delivered line of the episode. Kudos, Peter Dinklage.

Jaime confesses he met with Tyrion to Cersei. And of course, she knew about it because it suited her interests. She asks Jaime if he is going to punish Bronn for “betraying him”. SO HELP ME GOD IF ANYONE LAYS A LITTLE FINGER ON BRONN. Cersei tells Jaime they will defeat whatever comes their way for themselves, for their house, and for “this” as she touches her stomach…BY GAWD THE WOMAN IS PREGOOO. Good lord imagine if she gives birth to a dwarf and it kills her like how Tyrion was born that would be incredible!

Davos mofuggin Seaworth said he has business of his own in King’s Landing so we follow him to a blacksmith shop. Huh, remember that blacksmith back in like season three? That Baratheon bastard who we saw rowing away? Huh I wonder if we’ll ever see- OMG IT’S GENDRY HE’S BACK! (Not much of a surprise really considering the set photos that leaked but whatever). Gendry is back blacksmithing with a nice crew cut. Seriously, did he go into a Westeros Floyd’s Barbershop and say “gimme a 2 all around”? Davos Mofuggin Seaworth says the line of the century as the show acklowledges one of its biggest memes, “Thought you may still be rowing”. SO META.

Davos: “You know it’s a very dangerous road ahead I don’t know if you should come right at this mo”.
Gendry: “Let’s fucking send it”.

Surprise bitch, bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.
Davos brings Gendry back to the boat where they are encountered by gold cloaks. He works his charm by paying the men, and offering them crab that acts more or less as Viagra. Right as they are taking off, they run into Tyrion, so Gendry BEAT THE FUCK OUTTA THEM WITH HIS WAR HAMMER! PAPA ROBERT WOULD BE PROUD! Let’s head on over to…

Oldtown

We see Sam sitting and reading with Gilly. You know, my friends and I did not think this scene would mean much so most of us talked through it. LITTLE DID WE KNOW GILLY WAS ABOUT TO DELIVER THE MOST IMPORTANT LINE OF THE EPISODE.

Gilly: “What does annulment mean?”
Sam: “I’m tired of this place.”
Gilly: “This says a man named Rhaegar was remarried to someone else at a secret ceremony in Dorne”.
Sam: “The way to defeat the Night King is probably in one of these books.”
Gilly: “Jon Snow is a Targaryen, confirmed”.
Sam: “THESE MAESTERS SUCK!”

Sam and Gilly leave the Citadel as Sam recites a line from his father (Who he does not know has been burned alive): “I’m tired of reading about the achievements of better men”. So, Jon’s lineage is 100% confirmed, as if it was not confirmed already. Gilly has pointed it out for us. Luckily it seems they took that book when they left, so perhaps Sam will ride North to tell Jon. Finally, to end the episode we arrive at…

Eastwatch

Here we go! Eastwatch by the Sea (Starring Casey Affleck)! Time for Hardhome on steroids boys am I right??? I’m…I’m right…right? Nope. We don’t get the battle this week, although we should have seen this coming. The episode title is “Eastwatch”, and we get to Eastwatch in the last five minutes of the episode. Much like during the premiere titled “Dragonstone” and we arrive at Dragonstone during the last five minutes.

Jon, Davos mofuggin Seaworth, Jorah and Gendry sit down with Tormund who is welcoming as ever.

Tormund: “Isn’t it your job to stop him from making stupid fucking decisions?”
Davos: “Yeah, my bad.”

Tormund also delivers the funniest line of the episode:

Tormund: “How many men did you bring?”
Jon: “Not enough.”
Tormund: “….the big woman?”

All of these people rooting for Aunt Dany and nephew Jon to bone and I’m just over here rooting for Tormund and Brienne.

Tormund asks Jon if he really wants to go out there again, to which Jon nods. Tormund says he’s not the only one. He brings them to a holding cell where he is holding The Hound, Beric Dondarrian and the rest of The Brotherhood without Banners. LOTS of tension in this scene. Jon knows The Hound. Gendry hates the Brotherhood. Tormund hates Jorah’s father after finding out he’s a Mormont. Beric goes into some Lord of Light bullshit before the Hound cuts him off:

“For Fuck sake will you shut your hole. Are we coming with ya or not?”

Jon shuts everyone the fuck up by saying:|

“We’re all on the same side…we’re all breathing.”

Jon puts on his sunglasses and walks away to The Who’s “Won’t get fooled again”.

So here we go. The Suicide Squad of Jon Snow, Jorah, Tormund, Gendry, The Hound, and The Brotherhood march out into the gusting winds of Eastwatch to capture a soldier of the army of the dead. Which we will see NEXT WEEK FAAAAHK! From the looks of it, next week’s 70 minute episode may spend an hour in Eastwatch which would be fucking rad. Well, that’s this week’s recap. I know it jumps around a lot. It was not as easy to recap as last week’s episode. But, hopefully you enjoyed and will come back next week for next week’s episode which doesn’t have a title yet I believe. I’m just going to call it “Hardhome II” for now. Thanks for reading. I love you all. PEACE!

EPISODE SCORE: 8.5/10

 

MORE SHIT:

  • Bummed we didn’t see Euron again this week. I need my weekly fix of that evil Captain Jack Sparrow looking asshole.
  • Performer of the Week: Have to give it to Peter Dinklage. He is currently conveying his defeats and conflicted emotions so well on-screen.
  • Gendry spoke about the time Ned Stark visited him. I actually watched that episode from season one out of boredom today so that was cool to be able to remember.
  • Really loved how Randyll Tarly was portrayed. He was like if you crossed Tywin and Stannis.
  • Need. More. Night King. Looks like we get more from next week’s preview.
  • If Jon ends up bringing a soldier to Cersei, you best believe she is going to say she will help but actually just watch her enemies destroy each other, count on it.
  • Perhaps Bran will be the downfall of the Night King. “I saw you that night at Hardhome…you looked so beautiful.”
  • Looks like Beric is taking a final stand in next week’s preview…I mean you would think SOMEONE would die in that battle. Anyone but Jorah please…
  • I can’t wait to rewatch the series soon so I can appreciate Beric as a character more. Man, it’s incredible how much you miss when you binge watch a show, especially one like this.
  • Gendry and Jon’s banter was very Robert and Ned like. Hilarious moment with Davos telling Gendry to say a different identity followed by Gendry straight up saying who he is.

 

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