ESPN has once again tucked its genitals up around its taint in favor of political correctness. Announcer Robert Lee has been pulled from his announcing job of the William and Mary football game. The differences between the two Robert Lees are subtle but worth noting. General Robert E. Lee had purple hearts stuck to his chest for bravery; the sports announcer Lee occasionally has purple hearts and green clovers stuck to his teeth for breakfast. The soldier sent men home dismembered in body bags, the announcer might play with his member inside a sleeping bag – a personal, private life choice. Robert E. Lee, according to his accountant, had 206 slaves, the announcer is nipping right on his heels with none. It’s a rout, but if the announcer just adds 206 more it’s all tied up and we’re headed to overtime; first one to buy a slave loses!
On one occasion, the announcer was asked, “Are you related to ‘the‘ Robert E Lee?” The announcer happened to be sitting on a horse, holding a whip, and I’ll mention here that he is Asian, and the person who asked him was blind, but still. Lastly, the announcer Robert Lee works for ESPN and calls football games, the General is not currently working, as he has been dead for one-hundred and forty-seven years. The General, for that matter, never applied to work at ESPN, and would not have been hired if he had applied, since his schedule of autumn wars would have interfered with a sport that had not yet been invented and also, no television networks or televisions existed in the 1800s.
Nonetheless, ESPN had this to say:
“We collectively made the decision with Robert (by ‘with Robert’, they mean he was sitting there when they told him ‘we are going to go full pussy on this one’) to switch games as the tragic events in Charlottesville were unfolding, simply because of the coincidence of his name. In that moment it felt right to all parties. It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation (it isn’t) and we regret that who calls play by play for a football game has become an issue.” (But we don’t regret the special attention this is getting)
No word yet on whether William and Mary will be forced to change their school name for the game, since two of its more famous alumni, Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe, both were slave owners. ESPN is also concerned about its Indian and Pakistani viewers to the telecast, who may be offended by the football itself, since it’s made from an animal they are prohibited to eat; namely the cow. ESPN is considering having a special ball constructed from the skin of a mongoose, but for now, the network has asked the players to avoid licking the ball or putting it anywhere near their mouth. ESPN has also asked the referees to step off all measurements with their feet, but under no circumstances are they to bring the ‘chains’ out. Lastly, if the measurement is incremental, the refs have been instructed to tell the crowd the distance and not show it by holding their fingers an inch or two apart, since that gesture would be offensive to anyone in the crowd with a small penis.