Even When He Wins, He Loses: The Pablo Sandoval Story

Remember Pablo Sandoval? The guy who was so bad at baseball that the Red Sox actually paid him over $49 MILLION DOLLARS to get the hell out?

In case you’ve been wondering what our favorite “Fat Bastard in the Austin Powers remake nobody wanted” has been up to, he’s supposedly having a better time back in San Francisco, since he claims he left his heart there all along. The Giants took Pablo back, presumably because he begged, and since they’re the worst in the MLB this season, they probably figured it couldn’t hurt, right? WRONG. By basic virtue of Panda actually hitting a ball, unfortunately – and unsurprisingly – his happiness might be short-lived. That’s right, Sandoval’s gone and screwed over yet another team, or rather, the same team again.

On the final day of the regular season, Sandoval hit a walk-off homer, winning the last game of the season 5-4 over the Padres, but costing the Giants the number one overall pick in the 2018 draft. The Giants and Detroit Tigers each finish the season at 64-98, the worst record in the MLB, but luckily for the Giants, they had Pablo Sandoval to make it even worse. I bet you when he hit that ball, he was like, “YAY I HIT ONE… oh dear lord, no.” All he had to do was strike out like he’s done a billion times before, and he couldn’t even do that right?! The guy is like a one-man show, a tragic comedy; it’s almost sad, but then I remember how many millions we wasted on him and I just shake my head. Since the Giants are in a time of “rebuilding,” I bet you they’ll start by taking out the trash.

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