R.I. Schools Are Giving People Cancer

The schools in Rhode Island are giving people cancer. Yes, you heard that right, the place where Lil Rhody citizens send their offspring to consume that flavorful public education could be giving kids cancer.  It isn’t just the kids who are affected, it’s the teachers and faculty, too. [You can read all about it right here if you want more information.]

The article pretty much says that 20 people over the last few decades, who worked at one or both of the two schools in question, have been diagnosed with some form of cancer. Not just any cancer; we’re talking the worst kinds, like pancreatic and ovarian cancer, which have some of the worst prognoses.

The news team that ran the story interviewed some teachers about their family histories and health habits, but it really seems like the schools’ poor conditions really fucked up these people’s lives. Additionally, North Providence, the town where these schools are, is rushing to try to tear them down before these potential victims are able to find answers. Mayor Charles Lombardi eventually halted the destructions of the schools, but only temporarily.

Let’s say these faculty members, students, part-time cafeteria workers, whoever, can prove that the school buildings actually caused them to get cancer. Prove that their lives have been ruined due to that horrible, unforgiving disease?

It’s like an East Coast Erin Brockovich, which would be AWESOME. I mean, not the getting cancer part, that part is AWFUL, but proving how you got it? THAT would be awesome! They showed up to work and school like responsible adults and children, worked hard, tried not to blow the place up, and moved on with their lives. And what did they get for it? Did they get a prestigious education? No, they got summers off, horrible pay, and CANCER. And the ability to prove it gets them what? Well. IT GETS THEM PAID, BABY. SUE THE BRAKES OFF THEM BASTARDS.

Now, what if I told you I attended one of the schools in the article for seven years? Because I did. What if I told you I sent my kids to that same school? Because I did. You better damn well believe that if I get cancer or, SO HELP ME GOD, one of my kid’s get it, I’m coming for that ass, North Providence. You are going pay me and erect the largest Tashian Family Monument your corrupt little town can afford!

Before you say, “Woah, who is this guy thinking money will make having cancer better?” or some variation of that, answer this question: if you or a loved one were diagnosed with cancer, and it could be proven that it wasn’t your fault, that it was the direct result of negligence on behalf of your government, would you not want compensation? Because I’d want ALL of the compensation. Having cancer or watching someone you love fight cancer is going to be tough enough without having to worry about money. Pay my doctor bills, get me that weed script, I’ll take a telethon, have a parade for me, fuckin’ charity events — EVERYTHING. Hell, if you’re gonna give me cancer, be prepared to kiss my feet the rest of my days. CHEMOvah here and shine my shoes, I own you North Providence.

I almost don’t want to write this paragraph, but I KNOW that by now, I’ve made at least one of you upset. You probably had a family member or close friend who passed away battling cancer and would give anything to just talk to them again — even for just a minute. And I feel for you, believe me, I do. I have all the love in the world for people who suffer, have suffered, or lost someone because of cancer, but I am cashing my cancer-check the first chance I get if I’m ever diagnosed. That doesn’t make me insensitive, nor does the fact I would take Rhode Island for all they have. I encourage you all to chase that money, no matter the cause.

With all the terrible, unworldly nonsense we have to worry about these days, I shouldn’t have to worry that my elementary school is trying to kill me nearly 20 years later. Like what the hell, man? I survived you once, that wasn’t enough? So if cancer comes-a-knockin’ on my door, get that checkbook out and line those streets with black and gold confetti (couldn’t make the 2011 Bruins Stanley Cup parade and hate myself for it) because I’m gonna be RICH.



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