I Found Elvis… and He Can Save You 15% or More on Your Car Insurance

Sitting in an enormous line at Spooky World in New Hampshire last night, I scrolled down and saw this little car insurance selling bro on the timeline. It took me exactly 24 hours to realize that the pose he’s doing is literally the Elvis Presley pose.


Uncanny.
People have been out looking for Elvis since the day he “died,” and no one has ever had any luck… until now. I, alone, have solved the mystery of where Elvis has been all these years.

Let me break it down:

Elvis was tired of the rockstar lifestyle. He’d had enough. He was looking for an out. Started dabbling in the Dark Arts, fucked around, found himself a gecko potion that he thought would solve all his problems, and it did, for some time.

After years of flying under the radar, he was captured and forced into slavery; selling car insurance, claiming that he can save people 15% or more in the process. Little Elvis Precko has been looking for a way out of his mistake. He saw his opportunity to tell the world who he is, and he took it. While stuck in his tank, little Elvis Precko started dancing. Before his captors could do anything, women began to hit the floor, men became instantly jealous of his hip movement, and a single photograph was taken.

This photograph is all we have now of the King. It’s up to us to find and reverse the effects of his work so that I can hear “A Little Less Conversation” live. Let’s make it happen, folks.

-JS

PS. I am NOT on many drugs when writing this

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