If the Astros Lose the ALCS to the Yankees, I Will Lose My Mind

We all remember last week, right? When the Astros took the Red Sox for their lunch money in 3/4 ALDS games to advance to the ALCS? They’ve been contending with our biggest rivals, They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for the past four games, and it was actually going pretty well at first. But now the series is tied 2-2, and the Yankees actually could go all the way to the World Series for the first time since 2009, which was actually eight whole years ago, even if it feels like yesterday. This would be unacceptable, cataclysmic, even.


I was actually home for Game 4 of the ALDS. I surprised my entire family, flew home early Monday morning, showed up, and took my little sister to the Red Sox game. So you can imagine my heartbreak when, after 4-plus hours in the rain, Chris Sale and Craig Kimbrel gift-wrapped that game and handed it to the Astros.

But ultimately, I wasn’t too upset. I mean, sure, I flew 5-plus hours, didn’t eat for the entire day, sat in the rain, and cried at Fenway with my sister who I hadn’t seen in over a month. But I was happy to have even made it home to see one of the games and be back at Fenway Park. And I knew that the Astros were the better team. They wanted it more, they played harder, and they deserved it. With the Indians out of the running, I’m 100% on the Astros bandwagon all the way. I even said that with the hurricane and all, this was their 2013. I want them to win and feel how inspiring and uplifting it can be to have something as unifying as sports heal their city the way that David Ortiz’s words and the first World Series win at Fenway in 95 years healed us.

But now I am pissed. Because the Astros are a better team than the Yankees, and they just let them win two in a row. I mean, the Yankees have Aaron Judge, who either hits 8 million homers (official stat, look it up) or strikes out 16 times in the ALDS (actual official stat). I mean, it’s ridiculous. Aaron Judge is the human equivalent of this year’s Red Sox: either scoring a ton or not getting a single hit for what feels like a week’s worth of games. He and Didi and CC (these names are so dumb) are not as good as the Astros, and I want to see Houston blow them out of the goddamn water. I want to see some depressed, deflated Yankee fans.

The Astros have Carlos Correa and Jose Altuve, who made Chris Sale and Drew Pomeranz call them ‘Daddy’ in Games 1 & 2 of the ALDS. Altuve hit three homers in one game, joining the ranks of Babe Ruth and Pablo Sandoval (LOL); only nine players have ever hit three homers in a single postseason game. When Aaron Judge can do that (knock on wood), maybe the Yankees can brag about him the way they love to brag about worthless people and dumb things.

In short, get it together, Astros. I’m not one to yell at hurricane victims, but if you lose to the Yankees after beating our asses, you’ll answer to me.



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