This Is Why I’d Suck At The Blue Whale Challenge

Do you like to admit the things you’re not good at or do you typically shy away from the areas of life in which you don’t excel? I’m more of the latter than the prior, but today is a new day. Today I’m going to tell you, and be open with myself, about why I’d be really bad at the Blue Whale Challenge. If you’re unfamiliar with what that is, that’s OK, it’s relatively new to society. I was never able to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, I have no rhythm, so I wasn’t going to embarrass myself with the Running Man Challenge, and I don’t have enough friends to pull off an epic Mannequin Challenge.

So when I saw #BlueWhaleChallenge pop up on one of my social media timelines, I jumped at the opportunity to be one of the first to do it!

“I’m not missing out this time, hell no. I’m gonna smash this then challenge my teammates at We The People Sports. They’ll suck, I bet. HA!”

When I tell you how excited I was, just imagine finding a $100 bill in the laundry, I WAS THAT EXCITED. I wanted to get this right — I was a challenge virgin. I investigated a bit before I found out exactly how to participate. I wanted my first internet challenge to go off without a hitch so I intended on seeing how others were doing it before I went ahead and got started. What I discovered is that I was, maybe, the absolute worst candidate to pull this off.


While kids do things all the time for attention this one may be the dumbest and most disturbing stunts I’ve ever come across. Nobody likes waking up at 4 in the morning, so if I were considering doing this “challenge” that’d be a deal breaker right away. Fuck mornings.

The words cut or carve come up quite a bit. I’ve got such an uneasy hand that I’d end up butchering the words and images I’m supposed to etch into my body. Wouldn’t want people thinking I suck at the Blue Whale Challenge, that’s not good for the brand.

Can someone please define “horror videos” for me? Is that gruesome content where people are getting murdered or are they going to show us Indianapolis Colts’ highlights? Indy highlights are an immediate “No thank you.”

Of course, there’s the whole DYING thing that immediately disqualifies me from enjoying this lovely challenge. I am not a good candidate to die because living is kinda what I do. It’s my thing and people expect it of me. It’d be bad for the brand if my living status went from Alive to Dead.

Besides the death thing, which is pretty awful, what bugs me most is the usage of the word “Curator.” A curator is quite an official term for the person who’ll be blueprinting your death. Seems like names such as “psychopath” or “complete piece of shit” are more fitting, or maybe Charles Manson. But hey, who am I? I’ve never even done of these before.

The list isn’t ALL bad. I relate on a spiritual level with number 28. Number 12 is essentially just watching movies & trippy shit, and sitting with your legs dangling over the edge is basically a postcard cover photo. However, meeting the demands of strangers and the weeks of self-mutilation are things I’d fail at. Nobody likes a quitter so I decided to not even start. Guess I’ll just have to wait for the next challenge. Sad!

On a somewhat serious note, can you even fucking believe this? I mean, of course, you can because it’s 2017 and kids aren’t playing hopscotch and duck, duck, goose anymore. But playing a game for 50 days where the final step is to kill yourself? That’s not EVER going to catch on. Do better Internet.

I have a series of questions I need answers to. Whatever happened to the Chutes and Ladders generation? Did they not introduce normal games to their children? Like the fuck is going on at home where you don’t realize your kid carved a whale into their arms? Any curiosity strike you when your son or daughter started waking up at 4:20 AM to watch horror videos? Was the thud your kid’s body made when it hit the ground your wake-up call or are we still blaming the Internet?

It must be noted that there still is no confirmation that this game exists. Suicides linked to the Blue Whale Challenge are from personal accounts of families/friends of those who killed themselves, who claim they have seen their loved ones performing tasks. While reports of suicides linked to the game have surfaced across the planet, authorities claim that the origin appears to be in Russia, which has seen about 130 related deaths and at least two arrests. Clearly, the Russians have taken their trolling to a brand new level. Fuck off Russia.

I’m not going to post any pictures, videos or tweets about this. It’s disheartening. The real victims in this are the families of the kids who get wrapped up, although parents and guardians should, rightfully, face a little heat. You’ve got to be aware of what’s going on in your own home, but it’s impossible to know everything. There are children leaping off of buildings in countries like Bangladesh and India. Images of infected body parts from the carving, cutting and needle poking aren’t difficult to find, either.  I urge you to not look any of the media up, but if you must, I ask you not to share any of what you find. Let’s be on the right side of something for once and not spread these things around.


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