10 Things Softer Than the iPhone X

Apple recently released the long-awaited iPhone X. The first iPhone since the 4S with the glass back. Everyone remembers how all the cool kids cracked theirĀ back screens and then colored it in. Well, get the watercolors out, boys. It seems the iPhone X, the ugliest iPhone yet, in my opinion, is softer than the 4S.

The iPhone X is the most overpriced piece of shit since the Patriots signed Kony Ealy. If they’re trying to convince me to buy a cell phone that costs more than the damn entire Cracker Barrel Menu, it better do more than make calls for me. If I’m paying a grand for a phone, it better wipe my ass for me, too.

Since this phone is causing such an uproar, with people saying Apple should’ve never sent this phone out if it was so soft to falls, I’m here to calm the masses.

10 things softer than the iPhone X:

1. 2017 Patriots Defense

Week 1. Need I say more?

2. Baby Shit

This one seems obvious.

3. Yankee Fans Egos

The biggest douchebags in sports. Say they aren’t anything without Ruth or Jeter and it’s World War III.

4. Steve Bartman’s hands

He almost caught it even with Moises Alou’s pass interference. He would be my first pick in any fantasy football draft.

5. Roger Goodell, circa forever

So the Patriots are good. That’s good for business. Let it go.

6. Lebron James, circa 2011

The GIF explains it all. 2011 was not a good year for Lebron’s toughest guy in the league mantra.

7. Joe Scotch‘s hair (probably)

I mean come on. Look at that mane in all its glory. Pres, if you’re reading this, what’s the secret? I need to know.

8. Stephen Curry’s Ankle’s

Three ankle surgeriesĀ in two years is never a good look.

9. Football “Fights”

He’s wearing a helmet dumbass. That punch hurts you more than him. Give it up.

10. Any Lyric in “Its Everyday Bro”

When the second line in a “rap” is “on that Disney Channel flow,” one would think it could only go up from there. Well, Jake Paul proved that wrong.

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