Entertainment

A God Amongst Men: Robby Kalland and 82 Chicken Nuggets

Robby Kalland, or @RKalland on Twitter, is my new favorite everyday superhero. Kalland lived out one of my dreams, and stuffed his face with chicken nuggets for a full night and didn’t stop until he hit 82. GOAT status.

Chick-fil-A had an all you can eat nugget night. Robert Kalland took that literally and then some. Don’t get it twisted, however. Kalland set out a goal and wouldn’t be stopped.

Cocky as hell and I fucking love it. Could’ve gone with 69 (nice), or 50, or just been a complete hardo and gone with a cool 100. No. He went 82 to just outdo Kobe by 1. LOVE IT. Honestly, if he trying to beat Kobe by one he could’ve eaten 1 and called it a day. A nugget has not touched that mans lips ever. EVER. Look at him. That body is a fucking temple.

If you say there’s no planning to eating 82 nuggets than you, my friend, are an idiot. You can’t just go in cold and eat 82 nuggets. Shit, we all know if you order a 20-piece from McDonald’s, you start rethinking life around 16 or 17 nugs. And this is Chick-fil-A. These nuggets are fucking dense.

Strategy: A+

And you already know, the rest of the universe had to put in their suggestions. As soon as something goes viral on Twitter, everyone knows best. Except for this time, Twitter actually knew what they were talking about.

Pregame Preparation: A++. This guy is making it seems like he had a film study on “how to down nuggets” that would make Belichick proud.

The time had finally come and you best believe that my boy Robby didn’t collapse under the pressure. He put his god damn game face on and made Chick-fil-A his bitch.

And so his monumental journey began. But it wouldn’t be a true superhero story if there weren’t obstacles along the way.

He made the whole world his nugget bitch that night.

King James? Its pronounced Princess James (shoutout Enes Kanter).

Steph Curry? Barry Bonds? He made the whole Bay Area get on their knees and call him daddy.

And what seemed impossible became a reality. I don’t know if this is true, but I hope in my heart of hearts Robby Kalland did this for the betterment of society. This should now be shown in 7th-grade health classes under “How To Put Your Dreams In a Body Bag and Conquer All.”

Robby Kalland. You are not human. You’re a different breed. I now strive to do things like this. And do it as gracefully and humbly as you. And I also hope I can soon be able to find my own limitations, just like you.

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