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Yankees Try to Make Rivalry Great Again by Hiring Aaron Boone as New Manager

Remember the time I wrote an entire article about how the Yankees are smarmy bastards? That was awesome. And accurate.

And now, a few months later, here we go again, because the Yankees have truly out-Yanked themselves this time. In what can only be described as a pathetic attempt to get in the Red Sox’s heads and reignite the flame of rivalry that has been weakly flickering since the 2004 ALCS, the Yankees are hiring Aaron Boone as their new manager.

This would scare me, if they’d hired him to be manager in 2004. The man who hit the walk-off that decimated Pedro and ruined Grady Little, managing the Yankees the following season? It would’ve been a trauma unlike any other. But it’s been fifteen years (wow), and Boston has been thriving. A certain ALCS redemption comes to mind. We’ve moved on.

In all honesty, I’m laughing right now. I’m definitely not worried. Maybe I’ll be scared come 2018, when we can see what Boone can actually do, but until then, all I see is the Yankees hiring our 2003 tormentor, a man with no managerial or coaching experience who sits and talks on ESPN – which is like 85% politics now – to helm a team of very young players.

Boone wasn’t even that spectacular of player. I went back and looked at his career highlights, and they were nothing to write home about. Playing from 1997-2009, he batted a career .263 with 126 HR and 555 RBIs. He was an All-Star once. This man is no David Ortiz. His infamous walk-off was an anomaly, unlike Papi’s back-to-back walk-offs in Games 4 and 5 of the 2004 ALCS. If not for that 11th inning homer in 2003, would we even remember Aaron Boone? Would he even be a candidate for Yankees manager, let alone their pick?

Boone’s hiring would make more sense, if, like Alex Cora, he’d played on a World Series team. Or coached a World Series team, like Alex Cora. Or done anything memorable other than be born into a family of baseball players (his father and grandfather both played in the Majors) and grow up to make a bunch of Bostonians cry in 2003. But no, I think the Bronx Bitches are just being themselves: petty, obnoxious, and holding on to something that Boston has long moved on from.

Good luck, Aaron Boone! Just kidding, fuck yourselves, NYY. I’ll be sleeping soundly, dreaming about those three gleaming trophies we’ve won since 2003.

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