2017-18 NFL Outrageous Superlatives

We are already almost finished the 2017-18 season, which it’s time to give out season superlatives as we head towards the Super Bowl. While some of these awards finished in a very close race, others had very obvious winners…

Most likely to grow horns on his head: Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

This can be taken two ways. For one, at 40 years old, Tom Brady still managed to put up his usual MVP numbers. ESPN analysts arguing about him falling off a cliff while still having some of the best numbers in the league just strengthen the argument that he is the greatest of all time. On the other hand, Seth Wickersham’s article made the new “TB12” seem more like a demon than a business plan. Either way, if anyone in the league is growing horns, it’s Tom.

Most Likely to count his chickens before they hatch: Mike Mitchell (Pittsburgh Steelers)

“We can play them in Hell, we can play them in Haiti, We can play them in New England….We’re gonna win.” This would surely have been Mitchell’s senior quote if this was a yearbook. Unfortunately for #23, this is the NFL and you have to win regular season games in order to advance in the playoffs. A playoff loss against the Jaguars now means that Mitchell will have to wait until next season to prove his quote correct.

Most Likely to never be happy with their Christmas presents: Jay Cutler (Miami Dolphins)

After deciding to spend the rest of his NFL career in the broadcast booth, Jay Cutler got a call from the Miami Dolphins asking to be their starting quarterback. $10 million, a starting quarterback position, and living in Miami still isn’t enough to get this guy to crack a smile during a press conference.

Most Likely to become president despite having no qualifications: Nick Roles (Philadelphia Eagles)

Sorry, Donald Trump isn’t in the NFL (Ha! Just kidding). But seriously, Nick Foles found himself in a starting quarterback role for a top-seeded team. There really is no more important job than a starting quarterback of the #1 team in the playoffs. Nick Foles, despite having one decent season years ago should be nowhere near under center for the NFC Championship games. But hey, sometimes things don’t work out the way some people want.

Most likely to leave a good girl for a drama-filled captain of the cheer team: Earl Thomas (Seattle Seahawks)

Earl Thomas has it all. A great defensive system, a member of the “Legion of Boom”, some of the best fans in the world and a competitive team every year. Despite not having any major issues, Thomas approached Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett and told him to “Come get me” if Garrett ever had the chance. Good call Earl, leave a great franchise to go and join the circus Dallas Cowboys Franchise who haven’t won a Super Bowl in over 20 years.

Most Likely to Host the after-prom party because no one else can: Case Keenum (Minnesota Vikings)

After Teddy Bridgewater and Sam Bradford were both injured after week 1 of the regular season, Case Keenum was forced to take over because well, no one else could. After becoming a pretty solid starting option, Keenum was able to lead his team to a #2 seed in the playoffs. After quarterbacks such as Matt Ryan, Cam Newton, Aaron Rodgers and Drew Bree’s were all eliminated, Keenum is now one game away from a Super Bowl because well, no one else can win.

Most likely to not be able to decide what he wants to eat at a 1-star restaurant: Hue Jackson (Cleveland Browns)

To be fair this one really isn’t his fault. Choosing between DeShone Kizer, Cody Kessler, and Kevin Hogan isn’t exactly an embarrassment of riches. However, switching up quarterbacks every other week doesn’t seem like the best way to go about things. No one likes an indecisive customer, even at a bad restaurant.

Most Likely to give his parent’s retirement fund to his friends: Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)

Bill had it all figured out. Once Tom Brady retired, life would still be good in New England with Jimmy Garroppolo taking over. That was until Belichick gave Jimmy G away to his good friend Kyle Shannahan in San Francisco. Whether Kraft forced his hand or not, this superlative goes to Belichick.


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