February 6th was a weird day in the football world. In the wake of Super Bowl LII, all the NFL junkies were having football withdrawals. Luckily, the league gave them a story to follow almost instantly. In the spotlight was everyone’s favorite team, the New England Patriots.
At the conclusion of the season, Patriots defensive coordinator Matt Patricia was officially announced as the new head coach of the Detroit Lions. In addition, Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels was announced as the new head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. The McDaniels era was only an hour old, and the Colts had already beat the Patriots the same number of times they had since 2010:
Incredible. Things were surely looking up for the Colts, who had already laid out gear for McDaniels and set up an introductory press conference for him. Then, the clock struck 4:00pm (EST) and all hell broke loose. Josh McDaniels, who had agreed to contract terms with the Colts, suddenly withdrew. He would be staying with the New England Patriots, and no one knew why. Well, no one outside of Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft, that is.
Naturally, the Twittersphere was buzzing with unsubstantiated claims about McDaniels’ decision to stay. Rumors like “Bill Belichick is retiring after this year and McDaniels is the heir to the Iron Throne” and “this was all a plan to get back at Indy for Deflategate” swirled around. Some intermediate conspiracy theorists even thought this was the result of watching the Wolf of Wall Street and getting the phrase “I’m not fuckin’ leaving!” stuck in his head.
Well, friends, I’m here to tell you the real reason Josh McDaniels’ is staying in Foxborough to coach the Patriots. It has nothing to do with Coach Belichick’s future plans. It has nothing to do with stability, or the fact that his four children won’t have to be uprooted from their social lives. Hell, it doesn’t even have to do with the fact that the Indianapolis Colts were tied for last in the AFC South last season. No, no, no, it only has to do with what the Pats offered him to stay.
When McDaniels arrived at Gillette Stadium, he had every intention of cleaning out his office, saying his goodbyes, and departing from Foxborough for good. Instead, he was greeted by Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft. When the duo approached him, McDaniels knew they meant business. Belichick was clad with a sleeveless hoodie (with the hood up), and Kraft was wearing a navy blue suit with his signature bedazzled RKK Air Force 1’s on his feet. These weren’t “goodbye” clothes, they were “sit down and listen” clothes.
They didn’t waste time with small talk, salary talk, or team comparisons. It wasn’t about the potential to win rings; he already had rings. They cut right to the chase. “Listen, Joshy, we know you want to coach your own team,” said Bob Kraft, “but we’d really like you to stay here with us. We’re ready to offer you the TB12 All-Access contract.”
The fabled TB12 Contract? He wasn’t even sure it really existed. He had heard legends about it, but that’s all they were. Legends. I mean, is there really a secret, underground laboratory that Tom Brady uses for post-game recovery? Is there really a cryogenic freezing chamber that he uses to slow the aging process? No way there’s a proprietary TB12 penis enlargement method, the TB12-Inch Method, that only Brady has access to. Sure, it’s sizable, but that can’t be a real thing, right? It just can’t be. But despite his skepticism, he was intrigued. “Go on”, he said.
“You know you’re a big part of what we do here,” Bill said, “[Tom] is a great player, but he doesn’t need all that extra stuff for himself. It doesn’t mean you’ll get a Josh vs. Time TV show on FaceChat though”. He smirked. God damn was he persuasive. McDaniels began to think about why he would ever leave the side of the “Qarth” of coaches: the greatest coach that ever was or will be. He couldn’t come up with one.
The duo then took McDaniels into a secret elevator which took them into an underground tunnel. The stories were true. The “TB12 Recovery Laboratory” was on the left. The “Cryogenic Freezing Chamber” on the right. Each room was equipped with the most up to date technology and a guacamole dispenser. It was everything he had dreamed of and more. With a simple phone call to Indianapolis, it could all be his.
He was in. He had seen everything he needed to see, and there was nothing the Colts could do to counter. “You got me,” said McDaniels, “I’ll be back next year for number six”. Belichick and Kraft just looked at each other, smiled, and turned their glances back to McDaniels. Bob Kraft, who had recently finished a Breaking Bad binge, couldn’t help but say his favorite line from the critically acclaimed series.