This week, Stephen Colbert accomplished something that opposing teams and Roger Goodell have only dreamed of for over a decade: he destroyed Tom Brady.
The segment started out pretty casually, until Brady started talking about musce pliability and offered to give Colbert a massage. Colbert eagerly whipped out a tube of lotion, they dimmed the lights (no joke), and things got… weird.
But that sensual massage wasn’t even the weirdest part, because in that one ten-minute segment, Stephen Colbert managed to get Brady to break his diet. Twice.
Brady, the perfect specimen of a human man, keeps an insanely pure diet. Lean proteins, lots of leafy greens, drinking a lake’s worth of water every day, and basically nothing delicious (unless you’re a kale addict like me); his lifestyle makes me look like a fat KFC and soda-consuming monster.
At the age of 40, Tom Brady tried a strawberry for the first time. Stephen was Eve, convincing ‘Adam’ to try the forbidden fruit. And Brady barely needed any coaxing.
About a minute later, Brady became the oldest man in the NFL to succumb to peer pressure when he and Stephen engaged in a beer-chugging contest. Like most contests (don’t mention the last Super Bowl), Brady won.
How will that one strawberry and small glass of beer affect Brady’s 2018-2019 season? Only time – or rather, Tom vs. Time – will tell…