Buckle Up Folks, We’ve Got A Good Old-Fashioned Steakhouse Battle On Our Hands

Last night was like any other normal night. I had just eaten dinner and was hanging out in my dorm room watching Always Sunny (shoutout Hulu). Nothing special, nothing crazy. Would I venture out of my room to the nearest Westside Market to pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s? The Tonight Dough was certainly calling my name, but I fought off the urges. My will power had saved my stomach an easy 1300 calories of pure dairy and sugar. Indigestion? I don’t think so.

But then, as I do frequently, I opened Twitter. 6 notifications? On a lazy Tuesday evening? I had fired off some solid tweets in the past 24 hours, but none that could have explained the influx of engagement I was receiving. No, I had been drawn into something far more important. I was chosen by our fearless leader, Mr. Scotch, to head an exclusive WTP Sports investigation.

The topic? A war between two popular chain steakhouses, Texas Roadhouse and Outback, through the use of a viral internet meme. This was not something to be taken lightly. Lucky for you all, I am not one to run an investigation haphazardly. What motive could Texas Roadhouse have to go after their Australian counterparts? Who was in the right? Most importantly, which steakhouse reigns supreme?

We’ll begin by briefly identifying the two parties involved. On one side, we have Texas Roadhouse (TR). TR is notorious for their tasty American cuisine, headlined, of course, by their steaks. The establishment was founded in 1993 and is known for its hospitable ambience. Over the past quarter-century, TR has become one of the premier chain steakhouses in the country.

On the other side is Outback Steakhouse. As can be discerned from the name, Outback’s goal is to give its customers a taste of what things are like Down Under (talking about Australia, not sex). It was established and popularized in 1988, and has since become a household name in the chain steakhouse game. It’s claim to fame is the signature “Bloomin’ Onion”, and its Aussie spokesman (William Snow) gives the restaurant a real sense of authenticity.

Though both fine and well-respected establishments, only one can prevail. The cage match was instigated by TR, thanks to the retweeting of a meme portraying it as the superior steakhouse.

But is TR’s meme factual? Undeniably, TR has higher quality steaks. Their rolls are delicious and the Five Guys style peanut-buckets are surely enjoyable (unless you’re allergic to peanuts, in which case it would not be enjoyable at all). But are a few great qualities enough to merit Krusty Krab status? Is Outback automatically relegated to being the Chum Bucket? It’s not that simple.

While Outback can’t compete with TR’s steaks, it does have positives of its own. First and foremost is the Bloomin’ Onion, which has been imitated time and time again by various other restaurants. One of the perpetrators? Texas Roadhouse. Fortunately for Outback, TR’s “Cactus Blossom” isn’t an elite fried-onion-blossom-appetizer. It’s good, but it’s no Bloomin’ Onion. Second, Outback’s bread isn’t half bad. It’s one of those dark rye-colored logs that you have to cut yourself a la Bugaboo Creek, but it’s warm and tastes delicious with the accompanying butter.

Besides, subtweeting like an angsty adolescent isn’t the best look for Texas Roadhouse. Say what you will about Outback’s food, but it’s social media team displays no cowardice.

The back and forth between the two feuding restaurant chains continued, with TR coming after the pièce de résistance of a steakhouse, the steaks. They called Outback’s steaks dry, which is the steakhouse equivalent of “you play ball like a girl” and “jive turkey” rolled into one.

Outback countered, taking one last shot at TR, but they just didn’t have enough energy left. They were Conor McGregor, taking on an opponent far more experienced and well equipped for such a battle. They were wobbling, hoping to be saved by the bell, and then a third party came and knocked them down. We polled you, the people, and discovered that Texas Roadhouse is preferred by two thirds of the population. Despite some solid intangibles, Outback couldn’t quite hang with Texas Roadhouse in the battle of the steakhouses. At the end of the day, you need to have great steaks, and that’s what TR does best. Sorry Outback, but it just wasn’t meant to be.

P.S. I reached out to both parties via Twitter and Email, but both declined to comment (didn’t answer me).


Photo: momentfeed.com

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