It Has Come To My Attention That Some People Think Tennis Balls Are Yellow

Fellas, imagine waking up the morning after a long night out on the town. You remember drinking 9 beers and taking 4 tequila shots, but the rest is hazy. Even so, you feel wonderful. Thank god you remembered to chug two bottles of water when you got home at 4:30AM. In addition, the preemptive Advil you took before bed just started to kick in, leaving you with virtually no headache. Amazing.

Did you have sex last night, too? You’re not 100% sure, but the opened condom wrapper on your nightstand is a pretty good indication. You have so many questions, but this is shaping up to be quite the morning.

Naturally, your bladder is full. You drank all that alcohol and water last night, it’s a miracle you didn’t wet the bed. You smell your mattress just to make sure, but things are looking good. You dodged a bullet there. But since you didn’t relieve yourself in your sleep, you’re in desperate need now. You slowly rise out of bed, step into your Ugg slippers, and walk to the bathroom. You were skeptical about Uggs at first, but you’ve come to the realization that their sheepskin craftsmanship is truly second to none. 

Finally, you make it to the bathroom, lift up the toilet seat, and drop trou. Incredible! It’s a good dick-day! This morning just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? You close your eyes and think of a waterfall. It’s cliché, but it works for you. You do, after all, get morning stage-fright. As the thought of Angel Falls, the highest waterfall in the world, runs through your mind, nature takes over. You glance down to make sure your aim is alright, and… What the fuck?

Your piss is the color of a tennis ball. Frightened and alarmed, you rush yourself to the hospital where the doctors tell you you’re absolutely fine. You just shouldn’t have eaten all that asparagus! What a relief.

So, folks, what lesson have we learned through this role-playing activity? That tennis ball-colored urine is cause for concern. Why? Because normally, urine has a yellow tinge to it, and tennis balls are green. In no way, shape, or form should a tennis ball be categorized as yellow. It’s nonsensical and, like Colin Kaepernick with the National Anthem, I won’t stand for it.

Unfortunately, this debate is very real. Luckily, about two-thirds of the population is capable of logical thinking. The other third needs to take a good look at the color wheel and figure out where on the ROY G. BIV spectrum the baseball’s furry friend falls (hint: it’s the G).

Seriously? Yellow tennis balls? In the words of White Goodman, “Spare me”.



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