Is Brad Marchand A Cannibal?

Brad Marchand is a fierce competitor. He’s one of those guys that you love to have on your team, but hate to play against. He’ll be the first to admit that he can be a pest, but he’ll do whatever it takes to help his team win games. During last night’s contest between the Boston Bruins and Tampa Bay Lightning, Marchand stole the spotlight by licking Tampa Bay’s Ryan Callahan during a skirmish. This is the second known time that Marchand has licked an opponent, and this time, it led me to an investigation. Is Brad Marchand a cannibal?

Cannibalism, for those who don’t know, is defined as “the practice of eating the flesh of one’s own species.” It is pretty much confined to some tribes in South Pacific cultures, and has been known to exist in some jungle cultures in Africa. In other words, there are very few people who eat other people… Thank God.

Back to the question at hand, is Brad Marchand one of these individuals with an insatiable hunger for human flesh? It’s very hard to say. What is apparent, though is that Marchand licks other humans at an extremely high rate. Many people will chalk this up to Marchand trying to “get under his opponent’s skin”, but you know who else liked to get under other people’s skins? One of the most famous cannibals in modern history: Hannibal Lecter.

This of course begs the question of why Brad Marchand licks his opponents. When looking to answer this question, there are two main schools of thought: 1) Marchand is taste-testing his opposition, searching for his next victim or 2) He is a recovering cannibal and needs to lick people to satisfy his hunger and stave off his addiction. Personally, I believe the second option to be much more plausible. It’s also less frightening.

In summation, I think it’s fair to make the assumption that Marchand has at least attempted to eat another human being in the past. Based on his track record and recent actions, it’s not too far fetched. How he got involved with this disturbing practice, however, is beyond me. That’s an investigation for a different day.

Brad Marchand is a great hockey player. There’s no doubt about it. His style of play may be controversial to some and his antics earn him hatred from other fan bases. In Boston, though, people love Marchand because of his willingness to do whatever it takes to give himself and the Bruins an edge. If he is a cannibal in recovery, he will have the unwavering support of Boston and its fans. However, if he’s truly just trying to get in his opponents’ heads, he might want to consider verifying his cannibalistic tendencies. Would you want to get licked by a known cannibal? Didn’t think so.

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