Have you ever thought about who on the Boston Red Sox would be who from The Office? You have? How convenient! Well, my good friend, today is your lucky day. After scouring the depths of the internet and racking my brain for all the random Office quotes and references I know, I’ve come up with a near-comprehensive list.
Without further ado, here is a list of Boston Red Sox players and their corresponding characters from The Office.
Joe Kelly as Michael Scott
Joe Kelly is funny, lovable, and sometimes painful to watch. He might not be the sharpest or the best at his job, but he’s a guy you want on your team. He will support his teammates through thick and thin, and he’s always there to lighten the mood. He’s the life of this team, and whether you think he’s good at what he does or not, you have no choice but to respect him. Oh, and did I mention his affinity for playing characters?
Mookie Betts as Dwight Schrute
Hardworking. Alpha Male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable. Mookie Betts is, bar-none, the most productive player on the Red Sox. He is the oil that the engine runs on, and is easily the most valuable person on the team. Bears. Betts. Battlestar Galactica.
Andrew Benintendi as Jim Halpert
The flowing brown hair. The boyish good looks. The athleticism. Who else could possibly be Big Tuna?
Chris Sale as Michael’s Description of Jim Halpert
“You’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom, roasted.”
BOOM! ROASTED. pic.twitter.com/9egf4ZvAr0
— The Office Quotes (@Scranton_Quotes) October 13, 2016
Brock Holt as Pam Beesly
Brock and Benintendi are so cute together, aren’t they? It’s a modern day bromance, and their brotherly love is akin to the love shared by Jim and Pam. These two are inseparable, and no amount of time on the DL, in New York at Art School, or in Philly working for Athlead is going to change that fact.
Blake Swihart as Creed Bratton
Holly: What do you do here?
Creed: What is wrong with this woman? She’s asking about stuff that’s nobody’s business. “What do I do?”… Really, what do I do here? I should’ve written it down.
I think this quote captures the essence of Blake Swihart’s role on the Boston Red Sox. What the hell does this guy do again?
Craig Kimbrel as David Wallace, CFO
When you see this guy, you know things are serious. If there’s an ordinary situation, the Regional Manager can handle it. If things start going south, maybe it’s time to give him a call and get an idea of what needs to be done. But when you see Craig Kimbrel out there for real? Watch out.
Drew Pomeranz as Gabe Lewis
JD Martinez as Ryan Howard
JD Martinez has all the God given talent in the world. Not just talking about baseball, folks. He’s probably the best looking guy on the team too (apologies, Benintendi faithful).
*Prison Mike voice* Don’t drop the soap! Don’t drop the soap!
Also, JD is constantly looking for ways to improve. As Ryan once said: “I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it.”
Rafael Devers as Kevin Malone
Devers is chubby. He’s an adorable teddy bear that can do no wrong. Sure, he might mess up sometimes, but you love him anyway. He may struggle with the english language, but you forgive him for that too. At the end of the day, you see that infectious smile and can’t help but allow a chuckle to escape your mouth.
Carson Smith as Andy Bernard
Gets pissed off and injures himself? Sounds familiar.
David Price as Jan Levinson
David Price is whiny and needy. He’s been a PR nightmare for the Red Sox, and his production hasn’t been worth what we’re paying him. He’s disappointed us too many times. But sure enough, he waltzes into the office in a low-cut shirt, showing off the best cleavage money can buy, and we give him another chance. Figuratively speaking, of course.
And there you have it. Apologies to Rick Porcello, Hanley Ramirez, Xander Bogaerts, Jackie Bradley Jr., and the two catchers. I could try to force a Hanley Ramirez as Darryl Philbin or Christian Vazquez as Meredith Palmer, but I would rather leave things be. I have too much integrity to allow loose correlations in my blogs.
Did I miss any clear comparisons? Let me know on Twitter @Ben13Porter. I’d love to hear your thoughts.