Some Fanbases Are Dying and that’s Okay

I’m not usually the one to get caught up in the National Hashtag Whatever Day, but yesterday was #EndangeredSpeciesDay and I got sucked in. There are a LOT of people who are passionate about saving the animals, the plants, and the Earth. I’m under the impression that the Earth doesn’t actually need saving because it’s been around a hell of a lot longer than us and will certainly outlast the human race. Not saying we shouldn’t do certain things to protect the Earth, but we should definitely stop referring to it as our Earth. Earth doesn’t belong to us and it never will. Nature will run its course and eventually Earth will shake us off like the fleas we are. How’s everyone’s weekend going?!

I clicked the above-mentioned hashtag to gain a little education on what this day is all about, maybe see some sweet pics of animals. I found out rather quickly that it was not a day of celebration. There aren’t a ton of cute animal photos in this particular hashtag world. Instead, I read that Earth will lose 200 species. I don’t know if that’s only on Endangered Species Day, not sure every organism has social media to ensure they die on the right day, or if that’s every day, but that’s a story for another time.

I also don’t know how accurate that number is but let’s not allow facts to dirty this game up. Coming across this incredibly scientific, right-on-the-nose stat I thought, well shit, maybe I should write a little something about a few of the endangered species I’m aware of. It’s important I get this right because we don’t know how long we have left with these particular creatures and their legacies are at stake. Please note, this is not a plea to save ALL of these species. Some of them have to go. It’s the circle of life or whatever.

The Rational Patriots Fan (Critically Endangered)

You may be lucky enough to have interacted with this special and dignified species. A real-life unicorn. Native to New England, this dying creature has been fighting for their survival for the better part of the last two decades, but they’ve been around a lot longer. Pre-Brady days. Overwhelmed by sports radio, polarizing writers, and arrogant fans, the Rational Patriots Fan has been swept away by the hate a large portion of the fanbase deserves. The time is all but up for this legendary creature unless the vast majority of the fanbase humble themselves. That may be asking for the impossible.

Some tell-tale signs you may be losing your rationality include never questioning Bill Belichick and thinking every valuable free agent is signing with the Patriots. The endless usage of Brady’s 5 Rings GIF, “28-3” and the lovable goat emoji, as debate rebuttals, is usually the first indication you are losing your way.

The Leave Baseball Alone Generation (Vulnerable)

You never want to encounter this species. Ever. Under any circumstance. Sabermetrics? Shmaber-shmetrics. These beings are vicious, stuck in their ways and can be associated with the “NFL is soft” crowd. A once respected group is now under fire for their lack of understanding that their precious sport needs some fixin’. Games are slowly played, it’s true. You can talk about average gameplay times and compare it other years, but we all know that baseball could use a little giddy-up. However, there are still folks out there who cringe at the idea of a pitch clock or who absolutely need to see all four pitches of an intentional walk. Good grief.

Safety is, obviously, another huge issue in sports these days. The double play rule, the catchers blocking the plate rule and the new netting up at ballparks around the league are all measures to help baseball evolve and become more safe, not just for the players. Electronic strike zone? Makes too much sense, get that shit outta here. This species hates every single one of these changes and will chase you off their lawn to tell you so. Don’t even get me started on PEDs and Hall of Fame chances. If you think Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens don’t belong in the Hall of Fame, then I’m here to tell you that you’re an endangered species. Earth is probably better off without you.

The Please Like My Sport Fan (Critically Endangered)

There aren’t many of these hockey fans left. Many of this specific breed played hockey when they were young or joined a beer league when they couldn’t make their community college team. There are still some of them who will, for no good reason at all, start pushing their favorite sport onto people who stan LAX and soccer. Just stop. there is no talking to them and they’ll never watch the puck sport. It’s come time for the Please Like My Sport Fan to stop with their rhetoric and die off with the fragile shred of self-respect and social worth they have left. Not everyone has to love hockey and that’s okay.

The Stuck In History Yankees Fan (?)

I’ll be honest. I didn’t fact check this one and am not 100% sure this is an endangered species. We all know who and what they are. Their cries of “27 rings” are deafening. The entire animal kingdom knows that call.  Yankees fans who behave as if they’ve been alive for 100 years watching every win from behind home plate. All I know about their status is I have had very few encounters with them over the last couple years. It’s possible they’re in an elongated hibernation. It’s likely I have just done a great job of avoiding contact with them altogether. It’s plausible that they’re finally happy with the current roster and mild success they’ve had recently, but the truth is, this entry is more of a hope than fact. I cannot say for certain that this species is close to extinction, but we should all be rooting for it.

The Think For Yourself Boston Fan (Endangered)

This suspect, dull and walk-all-over-me Red Sox fan is the most deserving of any and all threats to its population. The “I agree with the filth that Boston sports radio spews out for ratings” and “my favorite writer said something so now I swear my life by it” crowds are some the worst representations of this fanbase that exist. It is never okay to follow something as blindly as these Red Sox fans follow terrible takes and opinions. 

Watch how certain tweets are sent between 2-6 PM or when the beat writers publish, watch how quickly all the “original” takes come flowing in. I love reading those articles as much as you do, but thinking for yourself is something much more commendable.  The fact of the matter is 200 species will die today, tomorrow and the day after. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles, but PLEASE don’t let this be one them.

The Accurately Informed Sports Debater (Critically Endangered)

If you’ve spent any time at all on the Internet in your life then you might have come across one or two of these. Someone you can have a gentleman’s or gentlelady’s debate with. A discussion amongst normal, calm individuals where each party makes their case based on sound opinions and undeniable facts. This is a dying culture. Sports debates and threads have now been overtaken by underdeveloped minds and clueless, nameless accounts. Inaccurate memes and takes so hot you can’t take them seriously have commanded a large portion of these encounters. It’d be easy to blame the “professionals” who use their platforms to do this very thing, but it’s the amateurs who control a large part of the Internet and its thread construction. The threat to the Accurately Informed Sports Debater is a serious one that grows with every LeBron vs MJ thread, every episode of First Take and every mention of Nick Wright. Extinction seems imminent.

Photo: U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service


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