I’m sure you’re aware that I’m a connoisseur of Egyptian cuisine. I often find myself shelling out money that I don’t have on a delicious Gebna Makleyah or Khoshaf, but then again, who can resist such treats? Food from Egypt is, of course, rich in classic Mediterranean flavor with its own special kick. I always say that if you’re not eating your fair share of ful medames, you’re doing it wrong!
Last month, when I saw that a sarcophagus with delicious, red juice was uncovered, you bet I was excited. An experienced Egyptian foodie like myself knows that ancient sarcophagus fluid is a delicacy and a staple of every Egyptian diet. Naturally, like Andy Bernard in the Finer Things Club, it’s where I needed to be.
Unfortunately, I had a bad experience with mummy-bone stew once before, so I was hesitant to sign the petition to drink these delectable bodily fluids. Was the temporary IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) really worth it? I didn’t feel like de-porcelain-throning Stan’s dad from South Park for the World’s Biggest Crap, so I decided against it. Fool me once…
The old “red liquid in the 2000-year-old sarcophagus” trick… fool me once. https://t.co/0YANKIhIcT
— Ben Porter (@Ben13Porter) July 22, 2018
Having passed on a glass of the finest full-bodied sarcophagus wine that Egypt has to offer, I was pretty upset, as you can imagine. However, life carried on, and I forgot about the ordeal. Until today.
Knowing that I was reeling from a missed opportunity, Pharaoh opened his book of tricks to page one. The “oldest-cheese-in-the-world” trick. The single oldest trick in the book.
You see, Pharaoh is a sleazy son of a bitch, and he loves to mess with Jewish fellas such as myself. Today, he must have found another dead locus in his home (shoutout to Plague 8) and snapped. He was fed up, so he logged onto Twitter and dangled in my face the one thing he knew I couldn’t resist: The World’s Oldest Cheese.
Ahhh the old “ancient Egyptian tomb cheese” trick. Nice try Pharaoh. https://t.co/36z9HpaZlQ
— Ben Porter (@Ben13Porter) August 20, 2018
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a well-aged Domiati, Areesh, or Ledma, but I wasn’t going to let Ole Pharaoh get the best of me on this one. I won’t fall for his tricks… not again.
I’ve seen it far too many times. Pharaoh digs up a tomb with a delicious Egyptian dish in it, and good folks from all over the world fall victim to those nasty ancient Egyptian diseases. Luckily, that won’t be me. If he goes and drops some pre-Christ crackers on my timeline though, I might have to pull the trigger. Sarcophagus juice, tomb cheese, and crackers? That’s the King Tut cheese & cracker trifecta.
P.S. Pharaoh, if you’re reading this, how’s your first-born son doing?