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We Need to Talk About the Rhode Island School of Design

Gather ’round, my children. I’ve got a story to tell you (don’t fact check this).

The year is 1877. Just a decade before, the American Civil War had ravaged the country. Whilst millions lost their lives (I said don’t fact check this), there were far fewer people being enslaved for the color of their skin, and the reconstruction period was well underway. Nestled into a quiet, wooded area of the Union’s smallest sovereign state known as the city of Providence, a group of tortured souls met around a circular table of the local pub. They were artists, discussing the possibility of opening a school. Not unlike the founders of the “fictional” (I’m onto you, JK) wizarding school of Hogwarts, these masters of their crafts sought to pass all they’d learned along to the next generation.

Thus, the Rhode Island School of Design was born. Although its student body hasn’t grown much since then (seriously, only 2,282 kids?!), it has grown in a rather exceptional way.

I’m talkin’ about its commitment to the greatest of all the puns, the penis-related puns.

First: Scrotie. This is Scrotie. He’s a 7-foot tall dick and balls, and oh boy, should you see what he can do when he’s got the school spirit if you know what I’m sayin’.

The (un)official mascot of this tiny school in Rhode Island. Sure, he’s gone viral a time or two, but I was *extremely Alex Jones voice* digging through some documents I’ve obtained and found out that the story runs deeper than that. While the school refuses to officially recognize this dazzling dick as its mascot, it has gone to enough lengths to at least acknowledge the presence of this powerful penis in all its phallic wonder. They even featured it on the school’s actual, totally real .edu website! And they used this headline, which makes me think maybe they’re cooler than they let on:

Good lord. That’s gorgeous writing right there. Gettin’ me all hot and heavy just thinking about it.

But as they say in the biz, the buck doesn’t stop there (I think they actually say that the buck stops there, but in this instance, we’re talking about a 7-foot tall penis mascot, so I think it’s OK to let things get a little out of hand). The Rhode Island School of Design has 2, count ’em 2, official sports: Basketball and hockey.

The basketball team is nicknamed the Balls, which is super appropriate, considering basketball is indeed played with balls. The logo is a beautifully crafted piece of design, consisting of 2 delicate (basket)balls cupped every so gently by a sack net. It’s incredible. Brings a smile to my face every single time I see it. But it gets better. The Balls’ official motto—you know, like the one that, if they made a basketball movie and we were down to the final shot to win the game, the coach or the captain of the team, who was like, a real dickhead (no pun intended) the whole movie, finally swallows (sorry) his pride and admits that Richard (like that one? subtle, I know), despite his horrendous shooting percentage and general lack of minutes, should take the shot, and to pump the team up and show his commitment, he would say it—is “When the heat is on, the Balls stick together.” Fucking incredible.

You might be thinking, it can’t possibly get better than this, how could it possibly get better? Let me stop you right there. Just pause that thought because the hockey team, which notably does not play its competitions with balls, is chock full o’ nuts even better puns.

RISD was so committed to these penis-related puns that it threw the appropriate naming right out the window and called its hockey team the Nads. THE NADS. I CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. The even better part? Their classic student center chant is so well-crafted and so simple that it’ll blow you away. The students chat “Go, Nads!” when they show support for their beloved skate-wearing scroties. Unbelievable. If you thought the basketball logo was glorious, just look at this thing. My word.

Send me all your weird school mascots @Matt_Hoff_

And of course, Live from the Middle Urinal—presented by this wonderful website—dropped its 99th episode today, as it tends to do when it is Wednesday, my dudes.

Go check it out here:

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