Egads! It’s way past Wednesday, my dudes! Now, I’m no egomaniac folks, but I know that there are literally millions of you were biting your nails all day yesterday, wondering where the hell my blog was. But fear not. All the sweat that beaded your forehead like a liquid face tattoo was not in vain. I’m here now, my children. The prince that was promised has come, wielding the great iMac keyboard Lightbringer in his arms, typing furiously to bring you all your hopes and desires.
Now, enough about you. Time to get to the point: Let’s talk about me (duh).
This week on your mom’s favorite podcast, Live from the Middle Urinal, presented by WTP Sports, the greatest of all the websites on the world wide web, my good pal and fellow degenerate Dom joined me to talk about a lot of things (mostly the NFL, like I said, dee-gen-er-ate). But one thing we talked about that I particularly enjoyed was a hypothetical that a loyal listener texted us (P.S. you can too, to 209-874-6251. Come and get freaky with us!). Anywho, he basically asked us that if we could only eat at 3 restaurants for the rest of our lives, 1 for breakfast, 1 for lunch, and 1 for dinner, with no repeats, what would we choose?
Now, you, unlike me, are probably an idiot. And I, unlike you, am
very smart. So this was pretty fuckin’ easy for me, no big deal. I’m now going to explain to you the best choices, and why I am obviously very correct.
But first, let me explain to you the 2 most important factors in this choice: price and location.
Price: shit has to be affordable. Sure, you could eat filet mignon at a high-class restaurant every night, but your ass is also going to starve by week 3 after you run out of money by day 4. I know your wallet is skinnier than you are, ya fat fuck. I’m right there with you. But this is not a game for us fatties. We can’t think with our stomachs. We must use that weird pink thing gooey thing that sits under our rock hard skulls. Remember that guy? That’s your
Brian brain. use it.
Location: shit has to be available. I love that mom and pop diner down the street as much as the next guy. I walk in the place and my order of sunny side up eggs with bacon, hashbrowns, toast, and a coffee is on the table before my ass hits the seat. But I’ve got needs folks. Specifically, a need to not live in the same place for the rest of my life. You may be cool living in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, all your life, but I’ve got a fever, and the only cure is more travel. And cowbell. But that’s not the point. The point is that I need these places to exist where I am because I’m a growing boy and I need my nutrients.
BREAKFAST: Dunkin’ Donuts
Where my Massholes at?! So this one is cake. They have coffee in many variations. Want it iced? Done. Hot? Done. Brewed cold, perhaps? Say no more, Vijay’s got your order ready to go at the pickup window. They have donuts, bagels, sandwiches, wraps. And everything on the menu is only like $2. Who doesn’t have $2? The homeless dude sitting down the block from your office has $2. That dude is collecting change in his emptied iced coffee cup. Now go break open your piggy bank and head to DD. It’s quick, it’s easy. You can get your order at Dunkin’ faster than Rick Pitino can come in his pants at dinner (bada bing!). You can even download the app and order online and then just show up, grab your shit, and leave. You don’t even have to talk to anyone. That’s my kind of establishment. You could even make the argument that this is at the core of my argument. The less I need to communicate with your underappreciated, low-salaried employees, the better. Easy choice.
LUNCH: Taco Bell
Do I seriously need to sit here and type out 100 to 200 words on why Taco Bell simply must be on this list? Listen here, folks, and listen good. Lean in reallllllll close. Closer. CLOSER! OK, now get your greasy ass face off the computer screen you fuckin’ weirdo, this is written language, Jesus. Listen up. Taco Bell is the No. 1, undisputed, undefeated, pound-for-pound best fast food place in the world. All you losers in California with your In-and-Out, and you Northeasters with your Duchess (yeah I know about Duchess, I ain’t no plebian) can stick it where the sun don’t shine. Taco Bell has never disappointed. Drunk, stoned, sober, doesn’t matter. There’s variety on the menu, there’s cheese on everything, and it’s the only place on the planet that offers fuckin’ Baja Blast. I don’t even drink soda, but I refuse to associate myself with any place that doesn’t because just in case I start up on the pop again, I want to know the choice is there. Now hand me my chipotle chicken loaded griller, 2 packs of Diablo sauce, and GFTO of my face.
Now, as I am a man of integrity and honesty (swear to god I’ve never lied in my life, not even once, ask my mom), I must admit this was not my original pick. The honor of this sucker goes to Dom. GENIUS pick. And I don’t just say that because I spent more time in my high school years at my friendly neighborhood bar and grill than Tiger Woods spent at Perkins bangin’ waitresses (oh!). I say it because—think about it. It’s affordable. The thing that people forget about this hypothetical is that you can only eat at these 3 spots. They gotta be affordable. And Applebee’s has a sick appetizer menu full of good prices, and if you get there after 10:00 p.m., well folks, they give it to you 50% off. They’re just that nice. Crazy, right? What’s even crazier is that they serve alcohol, and they always have sports on. ALWAYS. What isn’t there to love?!
Come argue with me on Twiter: @matt_hoff_
Listen to Live from the Middle Urinal right here: