Midwest

Lovie Smith is Santa Claus and no one is talking about it

My dudes! ‘Tis Wednesday! Which means, of course, you can scroll to the bottom here and listen to Live from the Middle Urinal, presented by this wonderful website.

Now to the point of this blog that I’m sure so many of you definitely were(n’t) looking forward to today. This dude, the man, Lovie Smith. We need to talk about this fella’s facial hair. Allow me to preface this with the knowledge that I am a fan of beards. I myself have sported a chin sweater since way back in ’11, and I’ve yet to look back. I haven’t bought a razor or razor heads in SEVEN YEARS. But before this gets off the rails with you all congratulating me for my frugality, let’s get back to the point: I appreciate a good beard.

And folks, Lovie Smith’s got one of the all-timers.

It’s not particularly exciting for any specific reason—but that’s part of what draws me in. It’s not the longest of the bunch, that’s for sure. It’s certainly not the thickest. There’s no novelty, either. He’s not like that incredibeard dude on Instagram who’s just out there turning his face fur into octopi and things of the nautical nature and whatnot. Lovie’s beard is a classic, though. It’s like Giannis Antetokoukamssnfeskz1ndijwnejandwsan$nmpo in like five years. It’s a polished, well put together beard. It’s clean, well-trimmed, and boy oh boy does it make me think that Lovie Smith is the one true Santa.

Remember when Tim Allen took over for Santa after he murdered him in cold blood in that shitty movie The Santa Claus? Well, folks, I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on here. It simply must be the case. There’s absolutely no way it’s not true.

Think about it. Lovie Smith was in the national spotlight from ’04 to ’15 as a head coach in the NFL. He won Coach of the Year in 2005. For christ’s sake, the guy coached fuckin’ Rex Grossman (the original RGIII, just sayin’) to a Super Bowl. REX FUCKIN’ GROSSMAN. We’re talking about a competent NFL coach here. Granted, his later years were marred by horrible teams and dragged his coaching record to an average 89-87, but that’s not the point. The point is that this guy should never have left the spotlight. Why step into obscurity at the University of Illinois, hidden among football legends of the Big Ten like Urban Meyer (this may age poorly), Jim Harbaugh, Mark Dantonio, Paul Chryst (ok maybe that’s a stretch), and the like?

Easy answer: He’s Santa! Where the hell else could you manage to run the biggest present making operation north of the equator other than Illinois? You ever meet someone who went to U of I? They don’t care about football. The ones who do love the Bears, sure, but once Lovie went to Tampa in ’14, they forgot he existed. The U of I folks are too busy bein’ nerds and doing research for pharmaceutical companies and stuff. Not focused on football. Nobody’s even realized that Lovie’s gone 7-21 there. You hear any complaining? MY POINT EXACTLY. It’s the perfect ploy. An all-time finesse. Collect $4M a year from a school by  just keeping them from losing every game and reap all the spoils of being Santa. Genius.

The guy’s name is Lovie, for Christ’s sake. That’s his legal birth name, go ahead and Google it. Lovie Lee Smith, born May 8, 1958. Might as well be December 25th. Who doesn’t want to get presents from a guy named Lovie? And please, inform me of a more appropriate name for a man who brings smiles and happiness to children all over the world. Kris Kringle? Fuck outta here. Gimme the Love man.

Orrrrrr….maybe he just had his time in the sun in the NFL and he’s trying to save his career as a coach. Either way.

Argue with me @matt_hoff_

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