Entertainment

It’s October third, so let’s talk about Mean Girls.

My duuuuuuudes! It. Is. Wednesday. Which means, of course, Live from the Middle Urinal, a wonderful podcast presented by WTP Sports (what a great website!!!!) has dropped its 102nd episode. I dare you to go listen to it. I dare you. All you gotta do is scroll down and hit play. You won’t do it.

Anywho. The real reason I’ve dusted off the ol’ digits, cracked a couple knuckles, and graced your unworthy eyeballs with this beautiful piece of blogging—not to brag, but I’m pretty good at this—is because today is the ultimate day. A day of mystical proportions which countless hordes of humans have awaited for millennia (okay, maybe they’ve only been waiting since like 2004, and even then I bet most people didn’t realize this until today but whatever shut up).

Today is October 3. It’s also Wednesday. And we all know that on Wednesdays, we wear pink. It’s the ultimate Mean Girls day. Brace yourselves. The memes are coming.

As anyone who was born in the late 1980s and early 1990s (or honestly ever, if we’re being real here) should know, Mean Girls is a work of art. A film of fantastic, hilarious proportions, full of an uncountable number of sweet jokes and one-liners that we all know and love. Just to name a few:

“Oh my God, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re white.”

“I’m not a regular mom. I’m a cool mom.”

“Four for you Glenn Coco, you go Glenn Coco!”

“Boo, you whore.”

“Get in loser, we’re going shopping.”

“And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt action rifle so that man could shoot the dinosaurs and the homosexuals.”

“There’s a 30% chance that it’s already raining.”

“You can’t sit with us!”

Anyone who says that they don’t like Mean Girls is a loser. I don’t care who they are. I don’t care if they’re the coolest dude ever. If you tell me, to my face, that you don’t like this movie, you’re a lame-o with a big ol’ dump in your pants. If you can tell me honestly that you sat down and watched all 97 minutes of the masterpiece that is Mean Girls and did not enjoy 1 single second of the 5,280 seconds of this film, then I will honestly tell you that you’re a chud. An L-7 Weenie. A bozo. There’s no way you didn’t crack up at the scene when Cady Heron is walking through the cafeteria looking for a seat and Jason is sitting there talking to the jocks and says, “did you see nipple? It only counts if you saw a nipple!” If you didn’t laugh, you need to go to a doctor to check for a pulse, ‘cause I got news for you: you’re dead. You’re not a living human being.

While the number of laughs in this movie are countless, I will provide a countable number of examples. A number of moments that bring a chuckle to this fella 10 times out of 10. These are the Top 5 moments from Mean Girls.

5. The Halloween Party

This is more of a relatable one than a laugh out loud funny one. But still, it has plenty of great moments. Shoutout Cady for not knowing how this shit works. There’s always the one moment, usually around the high school age, where Halloween stops becoming about dressing up as your favorite character and getting candy, and starts being about looking as slutty as possible in order to get the sweetest candy there is: super hot let’s-pretend-we-both-know-what-we’re-doing-even-though-neither-of-us-will-admit-we’re-both-actually-virgins-and-have-no-idea-how-this-works sex with a coed. Whew, I’m getting worked up just talking about it.

Classic moment here for pre-crazy Lindsay Lohan’s character Cady here, who unlike every normal ass girl in her grade, dresses up like an ex-wife (great joke here, folks)—looking like a zombie in a wedding dress while everyone else is in a tight dress with [insert whatever cute animal you want  here] ears on their head. I’m a mouse, duh.

4. The Burn Book Riot

When the Plastic’s Burn Book gets aired out to the public, it brings us some hilarious moments. The whole school goes into full-on LA riots mode, with people beating each other and everything. Plus, we get a bunch of character having to acknowledge the burns against them, which is hysterical. Poor Bethany Byrd—she can’t help that she has a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. In addition to all of that glorious shit, we get the ultimate moment from Mr. Duvall. He comes out of his office to find his school in complete disarray, people beating one another, girls screaming. It’s pure anarchy. It almost makes him as mad as his sister naming her son Anferny. And how does my mans respond? Like a vet. A professional. A man of action. He breaks out a fucking baseball bat and smashes the fire alarm, drenching everyone.

I’ll never not laugh at him screaming, surrounded by fighting high school girls, welding a fucking bat. My ass has been laughed off, folks.

3. The Winter Talent Show

Where the fuck to even start here. There are so many moments. From Kevin G. rapping—ooooohhhh Kevin Geeeeeee—Happy Holidays everyone!—to the kicking of the boombox into the crowd, to the prime Lindsay Lohan dancing in red spandex with Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, and whoever the chick that plays Gretchen Weiners is. Not gonna lie, 2004 me was very into that. We need more of that. That’s how we unify this country once again. You wanna make America great again? You get us some attractive women dancing in red spandex to jingle bell rock and wrap it up with some hilarious comedy and our work will be done here. Just a fantastic scene in film. Plus, who doesn’t love the arguing back and forth backstage before the plastics go on? This is the “Stop trying to make fetch happen” moment. If you watch it at half speed, you can actually pinpoint the moment that Gretchen’s heart breaks into several shards. I know, I’ve done it.

2. The Apologies Rally

This brings us to another all-time moment from our boy Damien. Not only is my mans not supposed to even be at this—Tina Fey’s character called for an all-girls rally to stop them from being mean to one another, and Damien, no matter how gay he may be, is clearly not a girl. Yet, here’s my mans, hoodie and sunglasses, a full head taller than everyone else in the gymnasium. And not only is he doing a terrible fucking job of hiding, but when a random ass girl gets up there, sobbing and spilling her truth, (side note: can we give this girl some props? Just fuckin’ sobbing in front of everyone? Have you ever ugly cried in public? Most people won’t even do it in private. Also, all-time line from her: I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat it and be happy. Lmao, girl, ain’t that the truth. We’re all happier when we eat.) and my mans has the audacity to yell out perhaps the single most quotable line from this movie: SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE! Never change, Damien.

Also, shout out again to Mr. Duvall. I will keep you here all night. *we can’t keep them past 4* I will keep you here until 4!

1. Health Class With Coach Carr

The soundest of advice for all you sex-havers out there (nice) from Coach Carr, who definitely isn’t a pedophile that’s hooking up with multiple young Asian women. “Don’t have sex because you will get pregnant and die. Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it, ok? Promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.”

Just an all-time bit of advice. We’ve all had the talk. The ol’ birds and the bees (side note: why are birds and bees fucking? How does that even work? Don’t birds like, eat bees? Is this a praying mantis type situation where one lover consumes the other post-coitus? Why is no one talking about this?). As we all know, abstinence doesn’t work—unless its your thing, then I guess do you. Your gym teacher who is for sure not qualified as a health professional is for some reason the one who’s going to tell you all about it, and it’s going to be awkward. All we can agree on is, wrap it before you tap it. That rhyme will get you kids through college. Good luck out there.

Argue with me @matt_hoff_.

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Categories: Entertainment, Movies, Podcasts

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