Entertainment

Report: Patrick Mahomes Gave Up a Career in Music to Play Football

If you haven’t seen “A Star Is Born” yet, head to your nearest movie when you’re done reading this. It was a fantastic movie which will likely earn multiple Oscar nominations.

Why do I bring up that film, you ask? Well for starters, I love recommending movies for my readers to check out, and secondly, the inspiration for that film was derived from the musical talents of Kansas City Chiefs star quarterback, Patrick Mahomes. Okay, I might be exaggerating a tad, but keep reading anyway.

You all know that Mahomes was a multi-sport star in high school, and has since gone on to become one of the NFL’s most exciting young players. However, what you didn’t know was that Mahomes was also a gifted musical prodigy, who could play any instrument he picked up. Guitar? Easily. Drums? The next Neil Peart. Those weird pipes played by the Blue Man Group? In his sleep.

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Seriously though, what the hell are those things?

Getting back to Mahomes, he could play them all, but his greatest talent was his angelic singing voice, which could lull any crying baby to sleep and soothe even the most pissed off moms in a retail store. Absolutely breathtaking.

Thanks to connections formed by his father, a former MLB pitcher, Mahomes had record labels lining up to sign him to lucrative deals. They were prepared to carry him to Grammy award-winning stardom. They were calling him the next Bruno Mars with a voice better than Beyonce’s.

Despite stardom knocking at his door, Mahomes desperately wanted to be a superstar quarterback, so much so that he was willing to do anything to become one. The only problem was that he didn’t have that elite attribute that would make him stand out to teams. However, during a stroll home from a concert, a creepy man in a dark alleyway approached the young Mahomes with a tempting offer. Totally not sketchy at all.

The man (probably the Devil) offered Mahomes the ability to have a rocket arm with pinpoint accuracy, which would make him an elite-caliber quarterback. However, he was warned that this talent would come at a heavy price. The young and naive Mahomes didn’t think twice and accepted the generous man’s offer.

The next morning, Mahomes woke up and went outside to sing with the birds Snow White-style. Instead, when he opened his mouth, a horrible noise came out. It was ear-piercing, like Fran Drescher having a shouting match with Gilbert Gottfried. The beautiful, storm-calming voice was gone. However, like Uncle Rico before him, Mahomes could literally throw a football “over them mountains.”

You know how the rest of the story goes. Mahomes went on to have a successful college football career at Texas Tech and was subsequently drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs in 2017. He is now taking the NFL by storm with his strong play, but his voice has been the subject of humor by writers, analysts, and fans alike, who compare it to that of Muppet legend Kermit the Frog.

If only they knew, Pat. If only they knew…

By the way, at the beginning of this article, I stated that Mahomes was the inspiration for the movie “A Star Is Born,” which was a total lie. On the contrary, his totally true life story was the inspiration for “The Little Mermaid.”

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So the next time you decide to make fun of Patrick Mahomes’ voice, just remember that like many of us, he made a dumb mistake when he was young. Some of us drank excessively or experimented with drugs, while some of us sold our souls to the Devil in a dark alleyway for otherworldly talent. Who are we to judge?

Patrick Mahomes the musician may never come to be, but Patrick Mahomes the quarterback looks to be doing just fine. He might actually be the physical manifestation of every Chiefs fan making a deal with the Devil for that long-awaited franchise quarterback, but that’s a story for another time.


Photo: Colin E. Braley/AP

 

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