OK look now I know this is a sports website, but as the resident weirdo here at WTP—and if you’ve ever listened to the Middle Urinal you know what I’m talking about—I need to address this.
Whomst in the hell taught the Biebs how to eat a fuckin’ burrito? His weirdo dad? Drake? Was it that weirdly attractive priest dude he had a falling out with? I must know.
Listen man, I get the dude is from Canadia where they drink maple syrup and eat moose steaks and use their hockey skates as knives, but even by those standards this is crazy. Who’s mans is this? This dude grabbed a burrito, the holiest of the foods, and just bit right into the middle of that shit?! What?!!??!!?
Look, I’m not going to come out and say it’s a psychopath move because even Patrick Bateman had enough self respect to eat his food correctly—and he’s the kind of guy who kills someone by dropping a running chainsaw on them from 22 stories up. But honestly, this at least should warrant a psychiatric evaluation. Shit, Jeffrey Dahmer ate human beings, and even he had better table manners than this. Unbelievable.
If I’m Hailey Baldwin (I think that’s who he’s dating, bear with me) then I’m dumping this dude’s ass faster than you can say chorizo (also, lmao I just got you to say chorizo out loud).
Dare I say this may be more of an atrocity than that time he spit on all of his like 10-year-old girl fans from that balcony [insert the “people don’t forget!” gif from Superbad here]. It’s one thing to spit on someone. The whole Rondo-Chris Paul thing (allegedly) resulted in a punch because of some (alleged) spitting in the face. Look, I’m no lawyer, but I know for a (not) fact that biting into the fuckin’ middle of a burrito is a crime in at least 32 of the 50 sovereign states in this great country of ours. For Christ’s sake, half the country speaks Spanish or has some sort of connection to the great land of Mexico (and I’m not talking about the whole I-went-to-Cabo-in-college-and-drank-too-much-type connection). This is one of the most offensive things I’ve ever seen, and I’m not even close to Hispanic.
Mexican food is my personal favorite brand of edible things, and to be honest my blood boiled hotter than salsa picante under an open flame. This is astounding. My mouth literally fell far enough to the floor that you could have stuffed a full Chipotle burrito into it—long ways, obviously. This is my official dare to anyone out there to defend this man’s actions. It’s not possible. Bieber is officially a wanted man in these eyes. I’m not saying he deserves to die or anything, but it’d be a real shame if the next burrito took him out of his misery. A REAL SHAME. HEAVEN FORBID.
I might be going out on a limb here, but if you’re even slightly of Mexican descent and you’re a Bieber fan, I think this is the day that stops. Are you going to be the one to go to you abuela (shoutout high school Spanish) and tell her that your favorite artist eats burritos like a madman? To quote the great El Barto, “¡ay caramba!”