Yesterday was a huge day for pizza lovers and decent human beings everywhere. Noted pineapple-racist Gudni Johannesson, who is also the President of Iceland, apologized for past comments regarding his desire to ban pineapple pizza.
The Hawaiian Pizza is undoubtedly the most harshly-criticized pizza out there. Day in and day out, the pineapple and ham-laden pie finds itself at the center of controversy. The million-dollar-question “does pineapple go on pizza?” is asked frequently, and those with closed minds will answer with an emphatic “no, that’s disgusting.”
But folks, let us not forget that pineapple is an extremely versatile fruit. Let’s take a quick look at my top 5 versions of the pineapple.
While I preach the versatility of the pineapple, I can’t knock it’s most common use. When ripe and juicy, the pineapple is second to only the peach in terms of overall deliciousness. If you lack creativity or ambition, this is the right method of pineapple consumption for you.
- Cubed, On Pizza
As controversial as it may sound, pineapple on pizza is delicious. If you’ve seen Ratatouille, you know that combining multiple flavors is like creating a beautiful symphony. Pineapple’s sweetness contrasts perfectly with the savory marinara-cheese combo that you’ll find on a typical pizza. Let us also remember that the tomato is a fruit, so the tomato-pineapple combination is like a family reunion of sorts.
- House For A Sea Sponge
Pineapples are spacious, fully furnished, and secure (look at that metal vault for a door). There are, however, two downsides to living in a pineapple under the sea. First, it will yell at you when you set it on fire during a sleep-deprivation-induced hallucination. Second is its susceptibility to nematode attacks. Otherwise, it’s a perfect home for a sea sponge.
What’s better than a ring of pineapple with some nice grill marks? When charred, this fruit becomes even sweeter and juicier than when raw. It’s a nice addition to a summer BBQ, or any summer-type meal.
- Eyes For A Rum Ham
A pineapple soaked in liquor and used to personify a piece of meat? Now you’re talking my language. The rings, when placed correctly (adjacent to a maraschino cherry nose), animate the ham perfectly. If your rum ham doesn’t have pineapple eyes, you’re doing it wrong. Shame on you.
So, as you can see, there are many practical ways in which pineapple can be used. It would be a travesty to limit its flexible nature.
Luckily, this ban was never put into effect. It would be a huge human rights violation to try to control what people can and can’t eat. If you don’t want pineapples on your pizza, that’s fine. But to tell me what I can and can’t put on my own pizza? That’s crossing the line. My pizza, my choice. That’s what I always say.
So the next time you run into an ignorant, chauvinistic pineapple hater like Gudni Johannesson, you tell him to shove it**. He may not have renounced his anti-pineapple ways, but this is definitely a step in the right direction towards pizza-civility. Keep fighting the good fight, people.
**This reminds me that pineapples are also the punchline of a classic joke.
P.S. Honorable Mentions: Pineapple Express (the movie), Pineapple Chobani
P.P.S. Pro-tip for you all… when you’re waiting for a pineapple to ripen, flip it every day (right side up, upside down). It evenly distributes the juices throughout the pineapple, ensuring maximum consistency and deliciousness.