Below is every NFL team. Along with each football team is the drink that they are associated with for reasons to follow. If you don’t agree with me then I will assign you with the bitchiest Mango-Margarita-Limarita that there ever was. I will give the reasons for their specific alcoholic beverage that each team is assigned. Obviously I’m not doing every kind of alcoholic drink so you could make a different case for each one. All teams are based on overall franchise and somewhat current standing—AKA, whatever I wanted to choose.
Thank you for reading and also feel free to pop open a cold one while you’re reading.
New England Patriots: Samuel Adams Beer / Ciroc Liquor
The American “patriot” of all beers. Brewed in Boston, it was hard to not give the Patriots a great, quality beer that always seems to be the frontrunner of all beers. Sam Adams never lets you down, just like the Patriots never let you down. Ciroc is just the top of the line. The Patriots are the only team that I gave two beverages to because it was hard for me not to give them Ciroc. The Patriots are the Ciroc of the NFL. (GO PATS BABY!)
Buffalo Bills: Jeigermeister Liquor
Bills fans are just absolutely ridiculous. They just keep taking shot after shot and continue to be wild after mixing it with Red Bull. They always make a horrible playoff run and are blacked out in their room after the night is over. However, still crazy and respected by all.
Miami Dolphins: Corona Beer
Being in Miami, Dolphins players probably drink a lot of Corona on the beach. Corona is a low-key, high-quality beer that has all the pieces to the puzzle. It seems like you only buy Corona for a good, relaxing day. However, without the lime, Corona is an average, piss-poor tasting beer. Like the Dolphins! until they get that star QB, they will never be anything but piss poor and always overpriced.
New York Jets: Four Loko
Even when they’re bad, they’re still somehow good (sometimes). Just like their obnoxious fans, Four Loko brings a very obnoxious night. The Jets are feeling good about themselves during the first half of the night and then somehow end up blacked out in their bed by the end of it. I can’t remember the last time the Jets were good. Just like Four Loko drinkers can’t remember their night.
Cincinnati Bengals: Miller Lite Beer
The Bengals are always that team/beer, just like Miller Lite, that is nominated for all of these awards and has all of these high expectations but then you buy them and they just suck. Miller Lite is disgusting and I feel like they are always hot and never of good quality. Everyone hates the Bengals and everyone hates Miller.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Jim Beam Whiskey
The Steelers need to settle down for a celebratory drink because of the franchise’s success over its many years. However, like Jim Beam, a hard working whiskey, they still aren’t the best around, but somehow they come through under any circumstance. The old traditional whiskey always makes for a good time that you can never go wrong with.
Baltimore Ravens: National Bohemian Beer (Natty Bo)
This is an easy one. The beer of Baltimore, Natty Bo is super cheap. It seems like the Ravens are always super cheap. However, on some nights, like the Maryland natives, the beer can be to somewhat of quality and eventually gets you through the night, just like their 2 Super Bowl wins. It’s the shitty beer that Marylanders love, just like their Old Bay. Still, they suck and will never be as good as the mass produced beer. Like, even if they do make the playoffs, we all know they won’t go far.
Cleveland Browns: Vladimir Liquor
Bro… Vlad is the worst vodka in the history of vodkas. Don’t believe me? Go try it for yourself. Shit tastes like gasoline going down your esophagus. First time I drank it I thought I was legit gonna die. There isn’t much to say about the Browns. A tip for Cleveland fans: Drink as much Vladamir as possible—it’s only $7 for a whole liter—and see how long it takes you to die. Still love my boy Baker, though, and I think this team is headed in the right direction.
Indianapolis Colts: Barefoot Wine
The Colts are the biggest hangover drink in football. You can slap the bag all you want but you’ll end up vomiting in the toilet by the end of the night. Like the Colts’ season, it’ll be a blowout by nights end and it’ll have you wondering how you finished 3-13 on the night with 4 INTs. This year may be different, just like how you think wine is all good and sweet, but then you wake up really hungover the next day. Maybe you’ll get lucky like this year and make the wild card. But don’t worry, Andrew Luck will fake an injury soon.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Twisted Tea
Lol. Twisted Tea literally just tastes like tea and doesn’t get you drunk whatsoever. If you drink Twisted Tea on a night out, you should just go to your local “Weenie Hut Jr’s.” The Jags are just never, ever good. Their colors and uni’s are sick, but the team is just awful. Sure, you’ll feel fruity and have a successful night every now and then, just like the Jags did last year, but you’ll never come back for more.
Houston Texans: Smirnoff Ice
Dog, can you imagine how many Ice’s JJ Watt can put down? He probably ice’s Deshaun Watson at practice everyday. The ice is pretty cheap but does it’s job by getting you tipsy before the end of the night. Then by the time you get to the bar, your stomach will hurt and the Texans will choke during the playoffs. Getting iced sucks and so do the Texans in the postseason.
Tennessee Titans: Evan Williams Kentucky Bourbon
This was an easy one. Kentucky is somewhat close to Tennessee, right? Evan Williams is a good whiskey, but still not as good as a Jack Daniels or Jim Beam. The Titans have very good players, but still do not seem to ever put it together as a whole. Evan Williams is a strong brand that focusses on hard work and that’s what I think the Titans do. However, they just don’t seem to have it all and every season seems like a flop.
Denver Broncos: Coors Light Beer
The go-to beer that’s affordable and brewed in the Rockies! Hard to not give the Colorado team a beer that’s brewed there. The Broncos are always that good-looking team that is a good buy as long as their defense is above par. Like Coors, it seems like Denver is always underrated but seems to do its job of making the playoffs. Just like Coors has phases, the Broncos will bounce back after a tough year and compete like they always do. Who knows, they may sneak into the AFC wild card this year.
Los Angeles Chargers: Everclear Vodka
So the Chargers are actually an above average team that, before this year, seemed to play very well but never got the W. This year is different—maybe. Everclear is a bad drink. But it gets you so messed up that you won’t know where you are and that’s exactly what the Chargers seem like every year. Despite a good offense and good pieces to the puzzle, the Chargers never seem to push through. Like a night with Everclear, the Chargers always end up blacked out and hungover as shit.
Oakland Raiders: Jungle Juice
If you’ve been to any college party you know what jungle juice is. A whole bunch of different bottles of vodka mixed with a whole bunch of juice and fruit that just destroys you. Like Oakland’s ruthless fans, jungle juice is a ruthless drink. You don’t really know you’re drinking alcohol because it’s so good, but you’re throwing up by the end of the night because of how bad it hits you. Like jungle juice, the Raiders seem to have high expectations but injuries and a lack of experience have them tripping over their own feet.
Kansas City Chiefs: Blue Moon Beer
The Chiefs, just like Blue Moon, are a very good, above average team that deserves an above average beer. With that hint of orange flavor, Blue Moon is a very relaxing beer that goes good with Kansas City barbecue. If you’ve never had Blue Moon, they’re worth the buy. The Chiefs are always very calm and collected and have an average run in the postseason. Eventually they will pull through and win a Super Bowl, but we’ll see.
Philadelphia Eagles: Natural Light Beer (Natty Light)
Oh my god, every time I hear Natty Light I just picture a tailgate with at least 400 cases of Natty that people are just slamming. Like Eagles fans, Natty light is a very obnoxious, piss-poor beer that stays faithful. With one Super Bowl, it seems like the Eagles always show promise, but in the end they will never be the best franchise, no matter how hard they try. Keep shotgunning those Nattys, Eagles fans, you’ll have to lean on last year’s Super Bowl for a while.
Washington Redskins: Svedka Liquor
Kirk Cousins, no wait… Alex Smith, no wait… now Colt McCoy, is always crazy and super pumped up, just like Svedka. That’s probably not right, I’m probably drunk, but who can keep up with their QB carrousel? However, you could say that Svedka is a liquor, kind of like the ‘Skins. Even though Svedka seems like a good, quality buy, it always seems to let you down. Svedka is a good mixer vodka, but drink it straight up and you’ll be cringing all night. The Redskins will just never get over that hump of being an above average team.
New York Giants: Champagne
It seems like the G-Men are always in the spotlight. Like champagne, you buy high and the pay off is very low. It seems like every year the Giants have these high expectations, but fall flat on their faces. Champagne is very expensive and has high expectations, but never quite seems to get you drunk.
Dallas Cowboys: Budweiser & Bud Light Beer
America’s team deserves America’s beer. The highly publicized team that is under a microscope every time they play. Like Budweiser, the Cowboys are always a solid buy for any situation. However, after buying them all the time, your hangover gets worse and worse. Everyone loves Budweiser and the Cowboys, but there are definitely better brews, and teams, out there.
Green Bay Packers: Johnny Walker (Blue Label)
The smoothest of the smooth. The Packers are always a contender in the NFC and you can never go wrong with them. However, they can be very expensive with their usual expectations. Like this year, the high expectations didn’t seem to pan out. But as always, the Cheeseheads bounce back, and Packers fans deserve the best after sticking out the coldest temperatures in the NFL. Like Johnny Walker, Green Bay is always towards the top every season and is a reliable choice of drink.
Minnesotta Vikings: Bacardi Rum
The guys up in the North have to get warm with some kind of liquor. It’s safe to say that Bacardi will warm you up. Personally, I think Bacardi is one of the best around. However, the fruity rum can sometimes get a little old and may seem good at first. It is actually a cheap liquor that sometimes seems to disappoint. Don’t get me wrong, I love Bacardi, but it’s just something about it that disappoints in the long run, kind of like the Vikings.
Detroit Lions: Makers Mark Whiskey
A good, quality team that sometimes makes it to the playoffs and does what it’s supposed to do. However, not the best whiskey on the shelves. The Lions do their job and Matt Stafford always hits his target, but he is very overpriced. The Lions never seem to do well in the playoffs and aren’t looking too hot this year. However, a good “bet.”
Chicago Bears: Burnetts Liquor
The cheapest of the cheapest. The most affordable shit-tasting liquor out there. However, it somehow always pulls through. The Bears, just like Burnetts, are very streaky and can sometimes get very interesting wins. Very hot this year, the cheap stuff may be the way to go and will have your head spinning by the end of things. It’s a very bad liquor but it gets the job done. That’s always kind of been the storyline for the Bears, especially this season. If you want a good but not great night that will be very blurry, drink some Burnetts.
Atlanta Falcons: Hennessy
The toughest of them all. You have to have some real hair on your chest to drink up that Hennessy. Also, how could I not give an ATL team Hennessy? The drink really represents that tough-molded Falcons defense. You know Matt Ryan drinks that shit after a big win in the dirty south. But honestly, no one willingly wants it. It’s suggested that you drink anywhere from 3-28 shots. *insert smirk face*
Carolina Panthers: Red Bull & Vodka
Like the Panthers, very energetic and wild… Red Bull & Vodka is very cheap but is a go-to every single night. Red Bull & Vodka will get you through any circumstance and will give you courage to go up to that girl you’ve been staring at all night. And who knows, you may be lucky enough like the Panthers and find your way into the “Super Bowl” *insert winking face*.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Parrot Bay Vodka
The Bucs are an average team each year. I mainly put these two “Bay’s” together for that main reason. However, there are some similarities. The coconut seems like a fun creation, like Tampa’s uni’s, but eventually gets old after continuing to see the team fail 9 times out of 10. It seems like the little mistakes always add up to a terrible ending.
New Orleans Saints: Captain Morgan Rum
It seems like the Saints are always respected as one of the best around the league regardless of how bad they’re doing. Like Captain Morgan, New Orleans is a hard working team that can beat any opponent it faces and it deserves a hard working rum. Like CM, the Saints are something special and are worth every penny. Plus it’ll get you feeling great, fast.
Seattle Seahawks: Starbucks Coffee (With Bailey’s liquor creamer)
Lol get it? Because Starbucks is native to Seattle? But on the real, coffee with that Bailey’s Liquor creamer is a very smooth a great tasting mixer. The ‘Hawks are always a good, quality team that does their job. Like Bailey’s and coffee, the Seahawks never disappoint and their fans are amazing. However, the creamer may not always get you drunk and you think to yourself why did I just pay $25 for some coffee creamer. Kind of like when you’re on the one yard line and then throw and interception in the super bowl.
Arizona Cardinals: Keystone Light Beer
A beer that used to be high quality and underrated until they changed some stuff. The Cardinals have had some very streaky years but just like Keystone, Arizona will be the team that no one is really scared of nor really focused on. The Cardinals and Keystone used to be popular but are both going downhill. Something needs to change in order for both of them to be at the top again. Keystone is a good drink to play “hot beer” with in Phoenix.
Los Angeles Rams: Jack Daniels Whiskey
A tough drink that is top of the line. The Rams are strong and enjoyable to watch just like Jack Daniels is enjoyable to drink. This year, the Rams seem like one of the best teams in the league and with their young players they are definitely very interesting to watch. I don’ really want to say anything bad about Jack Daniels, but it is a bit overpriced and just like everything in Los Angeles, the Rams might be a bit overpriced.
San Francisco 49ers: Fireball Whiskey
With the same colors as the ‘Niners, Fireball is a drink that messes you up big time. With their on-and-off seasons, the Niners are much like Fireball’s mentality. One night you can be drinking the cinnamon whiskey and have a very successful outcome. Other nights you can be blacked out running headfirst into doors. You just never know. The ‘Niners always seem very under the radar just like Fireball but still are very cheap and eventually run out of “fire.”
That’s it. Drink anything you want as long as you’re drinking. The NFL still sucks so who cares, drink away. That’s simply a fact! Thanks for reading and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram and Twitter– @jcmoore19