“Bird Box” is Remarkably Bad

I like movies. In fact, I like them a lot. I’d even go as far as to call myself a cinephile, but that sounds gross so just know that I watch a shitload of movies.

I also enjoy Netflix, and respect how many original movies and shows they produce, despite the fact that most of them are objectively pretty bad.

However, Netflix’s “hit” new original movie Bird Box is sooo insufferable, I couldn’t let it go unroasted.

When Bird Box was released on December 13th, Twitter couldn’t stop buzzing about it, hailing Netflix for how much of an “original” horror movie it was and how much of a genre-changing film it was. I nearly threw up when I saw this. Was I watching the same movie as these fools? Was I missing the point?

No, I wasn’t. It’s a shit movie and never look to Twitter for a movie recommendation. 

This movie is as unoriginal as it is boring. The ONLY reason to watch Bird Box is for Sandra Bullock’s and John Malkovich’s performances. Bullock, in particular, is acting her ass off in this, and she’s being shown the proper respect for her efforts. However, her performance alone was not enough to save this dumpster fire.

I’ll make it short and simple for any of you who haven’t had the displeasure of watching this movie yet: It’s The Happening crossed with all the bad parts of A Quiet Place.

Somehow the killer disease-demon thing (?), which is invisible, moves with the wind, and, if you look at it, it makes you kill yourself? A demon making you want to kill yourself is exactly how I felt while watching this movie, actually. I was secretly hoping one of these wind demons would appear in my living room and put me out of my misery. This movie is partly A Quiet Place’s fault. If that movie hadn’t been such a success, we would’ve have gotten the same movie but with a different sense. Next summer there’s going to be a horror movie about a demon that kills you if you smell it. Watch that happen.

I digress.

This movie has so many bland characters being “sad,” it will make your head spin. When they are barricaded inside the house, it’s some of the least interesting scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie. John Malkovich being an asshole is the only redeeming part of the first half of the movie. He’s such a douche and a drunk, and it’s hilarious. Additionally, in even more of a rip-off of A Quiet Place, Sandra Bullock has to give birth right when all the evil shit is right around her. Such an “original” movie.

Also, how many times can we see Sandra Bullock paddling down a river blindfolded? The movie decides that SIX TIMES is the appropriate amount. Piggybacking off of that, the way the movie is structured bugs the crap out of me. It cuts back and forth between the present, people arguing in a house, and the future, Sandra Bullock paddling a boat, throughout the movie, and it is unbearable. You’re not Momento, you’re just boring.

The movie finally ends with a cheap and whammy finish—one suspiciously similar to I Am Legend—and roll credits. If you’re like me, you’ll realize you just watched Sandra Bullock and company play Marco Polo with a wind demon for 2 hours, and you’ll never be able to get that time back.

And finally, and perhaps the most damning part of this garbage, which made me both confused and disgusted and enraged all at once; the image of Machine Gun Kelly butt as naked having sex.

Any movie that contains a naked MGK should be burned at the stake.  I don’t care if it’s Citizen Kane, or Shawshank Redemption, or anything. If you insert that into a movie, you should be charged with a war crime.

My final review of Bird Box is a 1%, two thumbs down, 1/16 star out of 5. It’s terri-awful.

Avoid at all costs.


Photo: Netflix

 

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