Allow me to be the brutally honest man your college professor warned you about…I’m not going to find you attractive because your “best friend” is. I would 10 out of 10 swipe right on your friend, but, dearest, not you. All you’re doing is hoping for drunk me not to do his homework and check out the rest of your profile, and I have had enough. Drunk me has a hard enough time as it is living up to sober me’s expectations, give him a break on Tinder.
Look, I know men are the root of all evil, but think of how our seasonal depression makes it harder for us to cope with the disappointment of thinking we matched with an 8 when we really matched with a 6. I can handle that kind of betrayal in the middle of the summer, but not in the sadness of winter.
The thing that’s crazy about this whole issue is women are really fucking smart. Like, you guys have to know what you’re doing. I copied homework enough in my college days to know I trusted a woman’s mind over a man’s any day of the week. As humans, I feel like we always know when we’re with a friend of the same sex who is better looking than us. How can’t you? If every man can admit that Tom Brady is a good looking guy, than they can also admit that their buddy Kevin the plumber is a good looking guy who probably underachieved with his life but still slays on the weekends and has a sick pad where the boys can watch the game, so he’s doing OK.
My point is that women also know when they’re with the hot friend, and using her as your first picture in the old Tinder bio is just weird. It just makes you look uglier in every photo after. So, what’s the end game here? Is this some weird “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” thing you guys have?
When baseball season returns, I’ll be off Tinder and you can go back to misleading young men again. But until then, I’m in search of a young lady who knows exactly what she wants but doesn’t know how to tell me, so she can lead me along for a while. This can go right up until the first day of spring training. Maybe we smash once? I don’t know. I just really need baseball back.