Fellas, imagine taking testosterone boosters for 31 years. Not for any medical purposes, mind you, but simply because you want to. Wake up in the morning, take some t-boosters, go about your life, and go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. You’d get big and strong, dominate the SEC in football, win the Heisman trophy, and transition to a mediocre NFL career. Maybe play a little baseball and mix in a few prayers. A classic high-testosterone routine.
That’s essentially what Tim Tebow has been doing his entire life. I’m not saying he has The Big Hurt on speed dial to hook him up with a weekly bottle of Nugenix, either. I doubt Tebow has ever taken any real t-boosters, as the only boosts he needs comes from the Lord. What I’m talking about is sex, or lack thereof.
The 2007 Heisman Trophy winner is a noted absitinencer (proper terminology). Not from lack of opportunity, I might add. Tebow is a good looking dude who led the University of Florida to a National Championship. You think there weren’t girls lined up looking to give him the time? In the immortal words of Rex Kwan-Do, “forgetaboutit”. In addition, Tebow had Olivia Culpo (2012 Miss Universe) practically begging him for sex during their time together in 2015. Ironclad willpower like you read about.
What Tebow was doing, in his efforts to abide by the rules of the Lord, was building up his testosterone and becoming a physical specimen. Years and years of abstinence led to Tebow’s rock hard 6’3, 255 lb frame and his godly speed/strength combo (unfortunately, no amount of abstention and prayer can give you beautiful arm action).
But now, Tebow’s athletic future looks grim. Yesterday, he got engaged to 2017 Miss Universe (what’s the secret, dude?) Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters. This means, for the first time in his life, Tebow will be making sweet love to a woman. I’m happy for him, and nervous all at the same time. Breaking a 31-year drought with a former Miss Universe? He’d better set up a Dexter kill-room beforehand to simplify the cleanup process. Maybe she should wear a hazmat suit with a hole in it too.
Afterwards, Tebow might go into hibernation from being physically and emotionally drained. What I’m worried about, though, is that he’ll wake up with the t-levels of a normal human being. All the testosterone he built up by saying “no” in the name of God will be literally and figuratively sucked out of his body. Will he shrink in size? In a few ways, certainly. In others, it remains to be seen.
I don’t know if the world is ready for an unchaste Tim Tebow. Like Colton Underwood, this season’s Bachelor, the word “virgin” is associated with his name. When he finally has sex, will he be the same? Will his athletic ability disappear due to low t-levels? We’re going to find out in the near future and, frankly, I’m excited.
P.S. If and when Lolo Jones gets married I will repost this piece verbatim (albeit a few minor changes)
Image: NY Post