I was meandering down a Reddit wormhole (as is a normal thing to do on a Friday night) when I stumbled upon something fascinating. It appears as though Brian Cashman and the New York Yankees are attempting to assemble the tallest team possible. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s substantiated.
If you look at the Yankees roster with this idea in mind, the height column immediately jumps off the page. Six-foot-this, six-foot-that. Almost every single player on the 40-man roster is over six feet tall. In fact, only five players fall shy of the “universally attractive to women” mark. None of those five men are shorter than 5’10.
In addition to an average height of well-over six feet, the Yankees have some of the biggest players in the entire MLB. Dellin Betances paces the group of gargantuans at 6’8”, followed by Aaron Judge and Domingo Acevedo (6’7”) and Giancarlo Stanton, CC Sabathia, and Jordan Montgomery (6’6”). A number of players are listed between 6’3” and 6’5”. It’s astounding.
Laugh out loud funny that the Yankees are just trying to build the tallest team possible:
Stanton, Sabathia 6’6
LeMahieu, Paxton, Chapman 6’4
Voit, Tulo, Britton, Didi, Tanaka 6’3
Brian Cashman is super short and must have an inferiority complex.
— Ben Porter (@Ben13Porter) January 12, 2019
This theory makes the Yankees’ recent signings appear more interesting as well. The Bronx Bombers signed six-foot-three Troy Tulowitzki to a deal, even though he’s in the final stretch of his career. They also signed six-foot-four DJ LeMahieu, the tallest second baseman in the history of baseball, to a deal despite already rostering a plethora of infielders. Clearly needing a catcher who is tall enough to ride the rides at amusement parks, the Yankees signed six-foot-four Ryan Lavarnway to a minor league deal. They also traded LHP Justus Sheffield (6’0”) and vertically challenged IF Ronald Torreyes (generously listed at 5’8”).
In addition, the Evil Empire acquired James Paxton (6’4”) and signed free agent pitchers C.C. Sabathia (6’6”), J.A. Happ (6’5”), and Zach Britton (6’3”). Notice a pattern?
The biggest question, though, is why the Yankees would be doing this. At first, I thought it was some analytics thing. Taller pitchers throw downhill, and their perceived velocity is often higher than shorter pitchers. Hitters with larger frames also pack a punch (see Judge, Aaron or Stanton, Giancarlo). But then I remembered that the Boston Red Sox won the World Series with a starting lineup of guys who could work for Willy Wonka at his Chocolate Factory. Analytics couldn’t have anything to do with this.
Then it hit me. It’s Brian Cashman. It has to be.
The man’s height, much like Pepe Silvia and the limit in Mean Girls, does not exist. It’s not on Google and there are hardly any pictures of him standing next to players. What I did find, though, is this picture of Cashman and Spike Lee. It’s from 14 years ago, but you have to figure that Cashman, at the ripe age of 51, hasn’t experienced a growth spurt in a long, long time.
As a matter of fact, judging by this image, he may never have experienced a growth spurt. Keep in mind that Spike Lee is five-foot-six.
So there it is. Brian Cashman is about 5’6”. This is relevant because it confirms my theory that Cashman is very short and has a Napoleon Complex. Signing walking skyscrapers is his way of compensating for what he lacks in physical stature. The idea is that if he’s surrounded by giants, maybe he’ll be associated with being tall. If you think Yankees = tall, maybe you’ll think Brian Cashman = tall.
It’s a lot to take in, I know, but it all checks out. Keep your eyes peeled for the Yankees signing the tallest available free agents, as they’ve been doing all winter.
P.S. Credit to PaleoclassicalPants on r/baseball for the original theory