The New England Patriots encountered their fair share of obstacles en route to the ninth AFC Championship of the Brady-Belichick era. It would not be a Patriots playoff game, though, without controversy. This time, however, the Patriots find themselves playing the victim in this “-gate”.
During the contest, a bright, green light was seen illuminating Tom Brady’s beautiful figure. At first, I thought it was just his aura, as supernatural beings often have a distinct glow about them. Anyone who has ever encountered a supernatural being can vouch for me on that one. This was different, though, as the bright green light briefly jumped around Brady’s jersey and helmet. It was a laser pointer.
“pAtS fAnS aRe tHe wORst” pic.twitter.com/kY3hh3AifA
— WTP Sports (@WTPsports) January 22, 2019
While Brady was unfazed, supporters of the Bradychick Dynasty were not. A manhunt had begun and it would not end until the perpetrator of this heinous act was apprehended. Many were added to the list of suspects, which consisted of, but was not limited to: Jimmy Garoppolo, Bob Kravitz, Max Kellerman, Roger Goodell, Peyton Manning, and Terrell Suggs.
I asked Peyton Manning about the incident, to which he responded: “Laser pointer in Tom’s face? I wish I had, but I was hanging out with Papa [John]. Speaking of Papa John’s, they’re now offering a 25% discount when you order two or more large 3-topping–”. I had enough of his promotional talk, so I cut him off before he could finish. His alibi checked out.
The next person I interviewed on the matter was Jimmy Garoppolo. I didn’t suspect Jimmy of messing with Tom, as I adore Jimmy G and don’t truly believe he and Brady are on bad terms. Nonetheless, I followed up on the lead. I was
lucky enough forced to speak with Jimmy as he got out of the shower, as he had very little time to talk. He was in the middle of telling me about how much he admired Tom and how he would never try to hurt him, when the recognizable face of multiple adult websites poked her head out of the shower to ask Jimmy if he was coming back in. He smirked, and with the likeness of Chazz Reinhold, said:
Finally, I checked out the prime suspect: Roger Goodell. He was at the game, is a known Brady-hater, and is untouchable in terms of security. He could bring a fully loaded RPG into the stadium and no one would question him. I asked him about the incident and was removed from the office within 5 seconds of uttering the words “Tom” and “Brady” in succession. Suspicious, yes. Incriminating? Unfortunately not.
What was fortunate is that I was granted access to 360-view cameras that must have caught the perp in the act. I desperately searched for anyone who looked strange or had a large green laser shooting out of his hand. Was Jack Jack from The Incredibles in the building? Though I hoped he and his infant-laser-eyes were in attendance, they were not.
But then I saw it.
BREAKING: The person who was shining a laser pointer in Tom Brady's face has been identified pic.twitter.com/mzjTfhUBvS
— Ben Porter (@Ben13Porter) January 22, 2019
Caught red (or in this case, green) handed. Roger Goodell was spotted by many shining a light on Tom Brady during the AFC Championship. Unfortunately for him, Brady has an unwavering temperament and is not affected by laser pointers. Just a perk of being a demi-god, I guess. I tried to ask Tom Brady about the incident, to which he simply replied: “I’m just focused on Los Angeles. Hi Mom”. Incredible.