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Flordia Man Killed by His Pet Cassowary—A.K.A The Most Florida Story You’ll Hear All Week

apparently, there is a large, killer bird on the loose in Florida somewhere. Or as Floridians like to call it, “Monday.”Florida sure is a weird place. While the United States is one of the most advanced countries in the World, it seems like the state of Flordia is its own Third World country. On a near weekly basis, you hear stories about people on meth robbing gas stations with their pet alligator as their weapon of choice, or people on meth trying to have sex with a police officer while dressed as a bear, or any number of crazy things.

Well, on this installation of “This Week In Florida”, we have the story of a Gainsville man who was brutally attacked and killed by his pet Cassowary on Sunday.

What’s a Cassowary, you might ask?

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Photo via blog.Queensland.com

This ugly ass thing is a Cassowary. These Emu- wannabes have been labeled “The most dangerous bird in the world” by the San Diego Zoo; Growing over 6 feet tall and having a top speed over 30 MPH, the Cassowary gets its reputation from having horrifying 4-inch talons. *Insert Napolian Dianomite “Do the Chickens have large talons?” quote here*

Naturally, the deceased Florida man, who 100% was definitely not on drugs or anything, thought it was a tremendous idea to try and breed this bird in his backyard. The story goes that he tripped and fell while walking away from this angry ass Ostrich, and which point the bird decided he had had enough of being someone’s pet, and killed the 75-year-old because that’s what the deadliest bird on Earth does. It kills people.

A note to all potential future Cassowary owners, stop what you’re doing and rethink your life. Go buy an Owl if you want to be different. Or just go get a dog and be a normal goddamn person.

Anyways, apparently, there is a large, killer bird on the loose in Florida somewhere. Or as Floridians like to call it, “Monday.”


Photo via Getty Images

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