I recently turned 30, but I have the game show watching habits of an 80-year-old. This isn’t the first time I’ve written about the sheer stupidity I’ve witnessed during a game show and I highly doubt it’ll be the last. I get worked up, man. On Tuesday, my fiance and I were watching Wheel of Fortune, it’s one of our favorites. Pat Sajak has been raising me for 30 minutes per weeknight my entire life. Missing an episode of Wheel is basically cause for stoning in my household. As the players clutched their devices and braced themselves for the first “toss up” of the show, I went through my nightly ritual. I decided which player I wanted to win based on the important stuff: their attire, their voice, left-handed/right-handed…like I said, only the most significant traits. I chose my player, Nathan, and strapped myself in for a spin around the WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE! Two “toss-ups” and a quick little puzzle brought us to the “prize puzzle.” THIS is where you either step up and grab the game by the balls or cower away like a sissy. The winner of the nightly “prize puzzle” usually wins the game because the show adds whatever cash you win to any gifts/prizes/trips you earn along the way. The prize, almost always, is a lovely trip to a beautiful, honeymoon-esque destination. Whoever has the most money at the end of the game moves on to the Bonus Round. Prize puzzles are like an easy $6K-$8K plus whatever cash you win that particular round, so that round produces more winners than Bill Belichick. It’s easy money, man, EASY MONEY. Wheel of Fortune isn’t the most difficult game, I don’t know if you knew that. All you need, really, is an elementary understanding of the English language and the ability to see. That’s it. Do you know your alphabet? Do your eyes work? If you answered “yes” to both of those questions then you are 100x more qualified to be on Wheel of Fortune than the contestants I saw on Tuesday. They clearly never visited The Derek Zoolander For Kids Who Can’t Read Good.
Now my dude Nathan is in the clear here, which is some awesome personal news. Had my chosen player made the errors that resulted in me writing this, I probably wouldn’t have had the composure to write this at all. Honestly, I get way too into these game shows. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, the “prize puzzle” came up and the contestants who were playing against Nathan, and each other, had made some remarkable progress. Nathan was fresh out of luck. There was NO CHANCE he’d get an opportunity to solve the puzzle. Just no way. All of the words were up there, all confusion and mystery on what the answer to the puzzle could be were completely erased. We’re talking TWO MISSING LETTERS. That’s it. Out of a whole puzzle, we’re down to two blank spaces. Anyone with a semi-functioning brain is planning their vacation outfits, deciding who they’re taking, and most certainly not about to fuck up a free trip to Hawaii.
It’s super hard for me to put into words what transpired as these women tried to solve the puzzle. All they had to do was read. Seriously. Read these 4 words and we’ll send your ass to Hawaii. Instead, they choked worse than the 2016-17 Atlanta Falcons. The worst game show contestants I’ve seen since Kevin from the Price is Right and he was TERRIBLE. Check the video out below and marvel at the stupidity of game show land. I will say this, make sure you watch the video more than once so you can truly appreciate the roller coaster of emotions Vanna White goes through.