Coronavirus Sucks a Big Bag of Weiners

It takes a lot to get me rattled. I’m unflappable, untriggerable, a steady hand in a sea of Michael J Fox’s. My point being that there is not much in this world that gets me truly mad. 

That was until this stupid fucking disease showed up. 

If you’re like me and saw the COVID-19 outbreak in Wuhan play out and thought, “No chance that makes it over here”, congratulations on being a colossal idiot just like me. Coronavirus ripped through China, Japan, Italy, France, and finally trickled into the good old US of A around 3 weeks ago. It started out, at least in my opinion, as a poor man’s version of Swine flu. Some new disease that’ll throw the country into a tailspin for a week and then will fade out and never be heard from again. Coronavirus heard my doubts and decided to start killing a LOT of people. Well played COVID, well played. But through every disease outbreak, basically in all of modern history, we’ve worked around it. Spanish Flu killed almost 50,000,000 (!!) people between 1918 and 1920, but baseball never stopped. Magic Johnson played a full NBA season with HIV at a time when having the virus basically made you a leper. No matter how bad an epidemic gets, it can’t get to apocalyptic levels. Diseases can’t make the world stand still, and certainly can’t stop sports, right? 

March 11th, 2020. A random, basically meaningless game between the Utah Jazz and the Oklahoma City Thunder got off to a funky start. Players were on the floor, ready for tip off, and then they were sent back to their locker rooms. As someone who only follows basketball via Twitter, I thought someone had died.

Then rumors started to come out that a player was sick and the game was being postponed and fans were being sent home. Oh.. okay, so what happens no… OH SHIT THE NBA JUST CALLED OFF ITS SEASON???? 

The next day, Thursday March 12th, will go down in history as one of the most chaotic days in sports, maybe human history. The NHL, the MLB, the MLS, and most NCAA conference tournaments all fell in one day. It took Hitler a month to roll through Poland, it took Coronavirus less than 24 hours to cripple the sports world. And I. Am. Pissed. 

Say what you will about the media hyping up this disease or causing a panic or whatever, I’m over that. This disease is the real deal, which is why it SUCKS so much that it took everything. I don’t do anything besides watch sports and movies. I like to golf but hell, I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT ANYMORE. I watch random MLB spring training games at 2:00 on a Tuesday between the Orioles and the Tigers like their game 7 of the World Series, I’m watching Opening Round coverage of the Sony Open. All I do is watch sports. I like to play golf, but hell, I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT ANYMORE. Coronavirus came into being at literally the worst time in my life. The NHL playoffs were around the corner and simultaneously the Bruins are the best team in the NHL, the MLB season was scheduled to start literally today, and then, maybe worst of all, we lost the Masters. I don’t care if you think golf is the most boring sport in the history of humankind, THE MASTERS IS MUST WATCH TELEVISION. I was getting ready for the most enjoyable 2 months of sports imaginable AND COVID-19 RUINED IT. 

I was serious when I sent this tweet out. I had a deathwish. I had nothing left to lose. 

Statistically, Coronavirus isn’t going to kill me, so I’m in this horrible purgatory of boredom. I can’t watch sports, I can’t see my girlfriend, I can’t go out and get drunk on my 21st birthday, GODDAMN IT COVID WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!!??!!

You win Coronavirus, I’m officially tapping out. You just win.

Photo via CNN


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