I Made a Joke and People Didn’t Get It

On Friday I had some spare time and thought I’d mess around on Twitter. I wanted to make good use of my 240 or 280 or whatever so I thought it’d be funny to send out a list of shit everyone knows about the Patriots. I titled it “Little Known Patriots Facts” purely for comedic purposes. I put mind-numbingly stupid stuff – topics that get brought up every-single-telecast, on it. Non-Patriots facts that would compare to these would be “Jimmy Graham played basketball” and “Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard.” The unlikely-to-be-said-out-loud equivalents are “Michael Vick murdered dogs” and “Ben Roethlisberger is a rapist” so, you see, we’re clearly discussing stuff people already know and are familiar with.

Anyway, I tweeted out this list and it didn’t get much play, not right away at least. I gave it one more shot by quoting it and asking, very tongue-in-cheek, to “RT if you learned something new.” NONE of this information was “new.” 

I pinned the list to my timeline and kinda forgot about it. It caught some attention and gave people a laugh. I really didn’t expect for people to think this was a real list of barely known facts, but the stupidity of the Internet will never go away. That’s certainly something everyone knows, but overnight some people ACTUALLY thought I was serious. This has got to be the funniest shit ever and I’m so glad the internet exists — and all of its ridiculousness.

I was expecting the Patriots’ haters to come out in full force and a few of ’em didn’t disappoint me. You can hear a mouth-breather coming from a mile away these days. First, let’s question how long I’ve been a fan. Original.

Here’s another little-known fact: Miami fans are some of the saltiest fans in the world. Their franchise hasn’t done anything, AT ALL, since 1972. NINETEEN-SEVENTY-TWO. Sit down and shut up.

They’re also some of the most creative because I’ve never heard of this one. But I wouldn’t put it past the brilliant Bill Belichick to make some gains. Stack that cash, Coach.

However, the real fun came from actual New England fans. I won’t claim anything dumb like “The Pats have one of the smartest fan bases in sports” because that’s just not true. A ton of Patriots’ fans are ignorant, blind and hopelessly committed to the Patriot Way, even if they don’t understand simple things like IR and waivers. We can come off as cocky and arrogant, annoying when we lose, insufferable when we win. And I love it, I love every bit of it. The lower IQ fans make the higher IQ fans seem like Gods and we all need each other. Even if you’re a complete idiot, if you’re a Pats fan, we’re family. I appreciate you guys.

These two tweets started things off. From here the list gained a dozen likes and a handful of RTs, not that those things matter, but it was this tweet that gave it some extra attention.

I’m glad Beest used quotation marks when he said “little known” because it gives the appearance that maybe he understood the list was 100% satirical. But no, it went right over their heads. The reason nobody RT that tweet was because they clicked on the actual list and RT’d that instead, but that’s neither here nor there.  Chase chimes in with his proclamation that he doesn’t “even arguing that shit anymore” and I’m with him. People who hate Josh McDaniels are the worst.

I also give a ringing endorsement on the first part of his tweet –  people ARE dumb, that’s for sure. And before I get slammed for doing this, let me clear the air, I’m not mad or angry or a “snowflake”, I find this to be just so fucking funny. How does anyone believe this list was anything but a joke?

Greg would be shocked to learn that the list is now up to 24 RTs. Hope you didn’t have a heart attack, Greg! Start a GoFund me or something.

Another knee slapper is this tweet. He was unsure if it was sarcasm but it didn’t stop my new friend Beest for feeding(see what I did there) into it.

It’s 1:39 in the damn morning, guys. Go to sleep, you’re obviously stupid-tired. The point of the whole thing was EVERYBODY KNEW THE FACTS ON THE LIST. There are certainly better ways of using your time. For instance, you guys could’ve added to the list.

Can’t believe I didn’t include the Apple Juice FACTory, that’s a big swing and miss on my part. Before I spend any more time on this and believe me, I could,  I think I’ll go watch Superbowl 51. However, prior to my departure, I’d like to share with you some little-known facts about SB51.

SB51 was the first Superbowl to go into overtime.

Tom Brady won his 5th Superbowl ring by winning SB51

Tom Brady won his 4th Superbowl MVP by winning SB51.

Edelman made a show-stopping catch during SB51.

Donta’a Hightower made the defensive play of the game by strip-sacking QB Matt Ryan.

SB51 was the only football game on during that particular Sunday.

Superbowl 51 was the 1st ever Superbowl after Superbowl 50.

The Superbowl trophy is called the Lombardi Trophy.

There’s only 1 Superbowl per season.

Football is fun.

And, of course, this one I’ve been keeping secret for a while now:



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