I went to Germany and I have some thoughts

So this week I had to head off to the Motherland for a week days for a business trip (’cause I do fuckin’ business, I’m kind of a big deal nbd) and boy oh boy did I have a little bit of a wild trip. Germany is a wild place, at least Berlin is, based on all that I saw in my short stay in Deutschland.

Since I do this whole travel thing semi-frequently, I figured I’d start scoring these places I go out of 10. Like a review, but with my brain’s take on the place.

Before I get into the highlights of the trip, the reason I’m blogging this is because as I was leaving to check out of my hotel this morning, I was stopped in the hallway. A woman was there, all her luggage splayed out and about, struggling mightily with her suitcase. Me, being the gentleman that I am (not saying I’m a hero, but you know), offered to help. She seemed to have tried to open a suitcase and the zipper got stuck. #RelateableContent. We’ve all been there. And as myself and every other vet of the stuck zipper game knows, you’ve gotta get momentum on your side to get whatever is stuck to go through the zipper. So I take a peek at this bad boy and I notice it’s a thin piece of black string. Like a silk ribbon. So I get this sucker moving through, and we get the bag opened enough where she can reach her hand in there and slide the ribbon outta the zipper.


As she does this the bag bursts open and I realize that silk black ribbon was attached to a very intricate pair of lace lingerie. And normally I’d be like, welp, it happens, girls own that stuff, so it goes. But this bag burst open and what must’ve been HUNDREDS of pairs of all colors and shapes and sizes comes bursting out of this thing, not to mention several pairs of total stripper heels—you know the ones that are like wayyyy too obnoxiously tall for anyone but a stripper to wear—among several other things, such as a couple corsets and what looks like a ball gag or two (or six, but who’s counting?)

Now I’m a man of the people. I do weird ass shit all the time. And I know we’re all fuckin’ creeps with the sex things we do, but most people aren’t cool with just airing that shit out, so I’m fully bracing for this lady to be embarrassed. But nothing. Nothing. This woman was a stallion of pure understanding of herself and legit zero embarrassment about her life. It almost made me proud. Obviously we had to address the fact that this hallway is now covered with sexy time objects, though. Turns out she’s a sales/marketing person for a company that will remain unnamed (it’s definitely the one you’re thinking) and she’s in town for a FIVE DAY SEX INDUSTRY CONFERENCE being held just down the block. Incredible. A wild, wild time. These Germans, man. They know how to get down with the get down.

Anywho, back to the rest of the trip.

So I flew in Monday night, and arrived Tuesday afternoon. Which already put me off to a smoking hot start because my body is straight up terrible at adjusting to time zones. Like, I know they serve a purpose because the earth is all spinny and shit, but my word does it completely screw with me when I’m feeling like a piece of trash that just rolled out of bed only to look down at my Apple Watch (not to brag) and it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon. Plus, it always breaks my brain when I fly backward time zone wise. My flight took off at 2:05pm and somehow I’m going to land at home at 7:00pm despite the fact that the flight is 8.5 hours. Where did those other 3 hours go, the fuckin’ Twilight zone? I’m sure Albert Einstein has some sort of string cheese theory about how gravity and spacetime get all funky that Matthew McConaughey could explain to me to make sense of all this but to my dumb brain it’s codswallop. Or, as our German friends say, schnitzel* (disclaimer: I know about 3 German words and 1 of them is “hallo” so maybe I’m wrong here).

But the weird shit didn’t stop there. When I arrived, the first thing I notice is that everyone is always drinking. It’s wild. Granted I think Oktoberfest like just happened (sidenote: y’all know that shit happens in September? Da fuq? I guess Septemberfest doesn’t quite roll of the tongue), but I mean still. I was waiting in line for this bangin’ ass kebob place—shoutout to Mustafa’s Gemüse Kebop btw—and I saw a 5-year-old child walking down the street, not an adult supervisor in site, just sipping away at a Berliner Pilsner. I was so shook I didn’t even take a picture, plus everyone around me didn’t even bat an eye. This was an everyday occurrence to them. I’m pretty sure somebody even threw him a look like, “sheesh, 5 years old already? catch up, kid.” I’m all for a little underage drinking, but this kid was slugging brew like he’s been hanging out with Bronny Jr. at the James house. As LeBron would say, sheesh.

Next thing I notice is that there’s this weird air about the place ’cause of all that Hitler stuff back in the ’30s and ’40s. You see all this cool shit like the Reichstag and Brandenburg Gate and such and every single time someone nearby either mentions the Nazis or there’s a plaque that mentions the Nazis or there’s a fuckin’ Nazi just hanging out nearby (nah I’m kidding they’re all here in America). It’s just a crazy thing to walk around this beautiful city with all these incredibly nice people and remember that like 80 years ago this was the place that a short dude with a weird mustache (not Michael Jordan, he’s the tall one with the weird mustache. Also, why doesn’t anyone talk about the fact that MJ has a Hitler ‘stache? Like wtf, dude?) who sucked at painting planned the deaths of literally millions of innocent people. Like everything carries this dark connection to this horrible time in an otherwise pretty generally ok country (I said generally, get off my back).

I’ll tell you this much. All together, Germany is a pretty cool spot. The food is good and also just like a wild mishmash of pork, potatoes and whatever the hell is laying around at the time. The beer is obviously fantastic. The people are super cool and everyone seems relatively stoked/drunk all the time. I’d recommend going if you get the chance.

Score: 8.2/10. Way to keep it interesting.

Also, sorry there was no Live From the Middle Urinal episode this week. That’s my b. International travel will do that to ya. Don’t worry, we have TONS to talk about for next week. So much crap. You’ll love it. I’m excited for it.

Argue with me @matt_hoff_


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