Kevin Sucks at the Price Is Right

Sometimes I get too emotionally invested in the wrong things. I try to predict lottery numbers every night even though I don’t play and get legitimately bummed out when I miss them. When I watch game shows like Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy!, I immediately choose which contestant I’d like to win that particular night and become their biggest fan. I pound my chest when they convert daily doubles or solve the Prize Round and win trips to Cabo and St. Lucia. It’s dramatic as hell. It’s worse when my guy or gal takes the L, watching the other party celebrate, it’s a sinking feeling. I become mildly numb, eerily quiet. It’s a bad look. Sort of like when your team loses the big game — nobody wants to or is able to, have a good time after that. Game shows can make you lose faith in humanity and that’s exactly what happened to me today.

My fiancé works overnight, but had to be up this morning for an important conference call so we did what all 29-year-old couples do, we tuned into the Price is Right. As a kid, I would long for weekday holidays and too-sick-for-school days so I could watch Bob Barker make dreams come true during a 60-minute span on CBS. Bob Barker was like Ric Flair — without all the booze and World Championships. Guys wanted to be him, women wanted to be with him, stylin’ & profilin’ all through California, EVERYONE wanted to meet him — Bob Barker is, was, and forever will be a legend. Drew Carey has been so, so good as the host for the last decade, but he’ll never be Barker. The point is, I love the Price Is Right, so I tend to get more emotionally invested in it than other game shows.

Today though, my GOD…did I see something that changed my view on the world. It was cringe-worthy, yet mesmerizing. I sat like a stone and watched something unholy take place on my television screen — completely frozen. I felt a chill pass over me as I turned to my girl and asked: “WHAT IS GOING ON?.”

A young man named Kevin make it up to the stage to play a game, not just any game, he played “Let Em Roll.” If you’ve ever seen the Price Is Right you’d know that the prize they can offer you, for that game, is a car. Even if it’s a beat up, 2002 Toyota Camry with 130K miles and off-colored door or the Nissan Versa they were offering, YOU GET PUMPED! The only things on Earth that are more satisfying than winning a car on the Price Is Right are buying your first house and telling your boss to fuck off. That’s it. When given the opportunity to win a car on a game show you do nothing less than sell your soul to get it.

The concept of the game is you get 5 oversized dice with dollar amounts on all sides except for one side with a car symbol. You’re gifted one free roll with the chance to earn 2 extra rolls by knowing the prices of certain items. Let Em Roll is like Yahtzee, you’re trying to get all 5 car symbols within the allotted rolls of the dice. At any point after a roll, you can stop playing and take the cash you’ve earned.

Simple simple simple. But not today. After rolling FOUR car symbols on the first roll, Kevin did something unforgivable. The events you’re about to watch shook me to my core and I may never recover.

Someone needs to have a talk with Kevin on the rules of life. If you’re fortunate enough to make it on stage you can’t put your tail between your legs and fold like that. That’s a chump move. Maybe he was nervous or didn’t understand the rules of the game, but flexing your arms after the biggest bonehead move in recent game show history is disturbingly hilarious. Drew so desperately tried to make him roll again, but Kevin needed that $1500. Maybe he wanted the new iPhone X or owed his Dad money. Perhaps he couldn’t afford the taxes on a new car, but these are all terrible reasons for not chasing the Holy Grail of all gameshow wins. I could spend $1500 in minutes, but that car could’ve got beaten into the ground for years. Let this be a precautionary tale for the rest of us, we can’t evolve as human beings with too much more public displays of idiocy like these.

(Thank you to Abby Hanger for the video)


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