My dudes! It is Wednesday! That means Live from the Middle Urinal presented by WTP Sports—a beautiful website—dropped today. This week on the show, the homie Dom and I talked about a lot of things, as we tend to do, and at one point I asked Dom which type of natural disaster would be the best to be killed by. It was a good little talk. And folks, I got to thinking about it.
Now, let me preface this with something: I don’t actually want to die (maybe). It’s not like I hate life or anything (debatable). But if I had to die (take me now) then I think there’s legitimately only one answer to this question. A single answer, ladies and gentlemen. We’ll get to that. First, we have to lay out the options, and while these eyes have seen a lot of love
and they’re never gonna see another one like that have with youuuuuu, they sure as shit haven’t seen a list of official natural disasters, so we’re going to make that list now. In my heart of hearts, I know there are only 11 natural disasters worth having this conversation about. We’re talking:
- Sinkholes (but like, the really big ones)
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, what in the hell are sinkholes doing on this list, but I already told you that I mean the big ass sinkholes that swallow houses and shit. I digress. Now, to explain why all of these answers are incorrect except one.
OK so immediately, anything that involves a shitload of water, you can cross off the list. I read on the internet that tsunamis kill you by “entombing you in water eternally” and to be honest, I was out the moment I read “entombing.” Floods are literally the same thing. Hurricanes are the same thing with wind. Fuck wind. So automatically, our list is narrowed down to 8.
Next, we can just cross earthquakes, droughts, and landslides off. Earthquakes are more likely to trap you and force you to starve, and the thought alone of not being able to eat makes me overwhelmingly hungry. Droughts, same shit plus you’re not even trapped. It’s freedom without being free. That’s what we in the biz call torture, folks. Grade A, grass-fed, USDA-approved torture. Landslides, on the other hand….well, you don’t underestimate things that are basically hybrids of two super scary things (talkin’ floods and earthquakes here, folks, keep up). Down to 5.
OK, so Tornadoes are, at their core, just a shitload of wind. Nobody wants to say the wind killed them. Imagine that tombstone? “Here lies Matt Hoff. He died as he lived: as a bitchass who couldn’t handle a breeze” —no thank ou. Plus, anytime I think about tornadoes I think about Dante Alighieri’s Inferno in the second circle of hell which is basically just a tornado of horny motherfuckas flying around so quick they can’t get it on. Pee-ew.
Wildfires and volcanoes are cool, like to look at, but yo—you ever burn yourself on a stovetop or hot plate (where my ladies with the curling irons at?!)? That. Shit. Sucks. That’s like a first-degree burn. Good luck with actual fire, let alone fuckin’ LAVA. You think you’re tougher than lava? Fucking lava?
Down to 2.
Not sure how familiar you are with freezing to death, but according to the Google machine, it’s overall not great folks. First, super painful. Then, your nerves die, and you start to feel sleepy (this part I can get behind), but after that, your brain starts losing it and you basically go nuts (not so much here). Some people even rip their clothes off because the muscles start failing and your blood starts circulating again. Then you pass TF out and die. Wow. I’m out man. No thank you. This is like the furthest thing from instant, painless death. And that leaves us with…
*Reggaeton air horn* IS THAT SINKHOLES’ MUSIC I HEAR?!
You doubted ’em! How could you?! You wanna catch these hands? Sinkholes are crazy. One day, you’re hanging out chilling all cool just shooting some b-ball outside of school then a fucking sinkhole eats you alive. No pain, no gain? More like no pain, no problem. Give me that sweet release of an unexpected 250-foot drop into the depths of the earth. Take me, sweet mother nature, into thine warm, soily embrace. It’s quick, it’s painless, you get to experience freefall, and if it kills you, it’s instant. Unless you survive and starve, but that shit hasn’t happened in a hot minute. Sinkholes that are capable of killing—the ones with that cold, dead look in their eyes—they do it quick. They’re all business, baby. They do their homework. Get in, get out, quick and professional. Like the Dexter Morgan of natural disasters. That’s my kind of killer.
Come and argue with me Twitter: @Matt_Hoff .
Listen to the rest of Live from the Middle Urinal here: