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Patriots Had Trouble Getting Through Airport Security

Thousands gathered at Gillette Stadium this morning to say farewell to the New England Patriots as they embark on their quest for a 6th Lombardi Trophy. Leading the rally was the same man who leads the team on the field, quarterback Tom Brady. He delivered a rousing speech and punctuated it with a mic drop that will go down in history. Having fired up the Foxborough Faithful for the final time this season, Brady and his teammates had done their jobs yet again. With a final adieu, the Patriots packed into their vehicles and headed to the airport to make the trip to the site of Super Bowl LII, Minnesota.

Everything was going according to plan. There was no traffic en route to the airport and the team was in good spirits. When they arrived, the team went through the normal boarding procedures; boarding passes, baggage check and what have you. TSA Pre-Check? You bet. Only the finest for Bob Kraft’s men.

When the Patriots made their way to the security checkpoint, things started to go wrong. Rookies got through security fine, as did Brandin Cooks and other offseason acquisitions. But when returning players got to the metal detector, alarms went off incessantly. When Tom Brady walked through, he was deemed a security risk and was pulled aside for questioning.

Brady was said to have been wielding, not just carrying, but wielding a weapon while walking through security. Apparently, the legendary QB was wearing some sort of brass knuckles, or something similar. When asked about Brady’s brief detainment, a TSA Security Guard said “he had enough metal on his right hand to kill a man with one punch. I don’t care who he is, we’re going to get to the bottom of this”. An X-Ray of Brady’s hand was made public shortly after the incident.

Though Brady is under the microscope, he wasn’t the only one who had issues clearing security. Bob Kraft was carrying an extremely heavy bag that was clanking with every step. With the alarms already going off because of Brady’s bionic hand, TSA couldn’t ignore Kraft’s bag. When they put it through scanners, 5 metal objects could be seen. “They looked like footballs with an arm growing out of them,” said an investigator, “I never bought into the ‘Patriots are cheaters’ theory before, but now I’m a little suspicious”.

The holdup lasted about 4 hours, as every flagged member of the Patriots was interrogated. Bill Belichick’s interrogation, for whatever reason, took 2 hours alone. He didn’t divulge any incriminating information, or any information at all, for that matter. Fortunately, every player, coach, and staff member was cleared in the end. It turns out the brass knuckles on Tom Brady’s hand were his Super Bowl rings and Bob Kraft’s suspiciously heavy bag contained the Patriots’ Lombardi Trophies. It turns out “No Fly Zones” don’t exist against New England.

Afterwards, the Patriots boarded their plane and took off for Minnesota. There was no malice toward the security guards. They were just doing their jobs, after all. So, despite a small bump in the road, the Patriots made it out of Logan International Airport and can now prepare for Sunday’s game in peace, knowing none of them are U.S. security threats.

In other news, the Philadelphia Eagles had absolutely no issues making it through security and onto their flight.


*Photos: SeattleTimes.comDemocraticUnderground.org

 

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