Pirates All-Star Closer Felipe Vazquez Arrested for Having a Sexual Relationship with a 15-Year Old. What the Hell.

It’s tough to try to hook up with people in 2019.

Pittsburgh Pirates All-star closer Felipe Vazquez found that out the hard way. 

On Tuesday, Vazquez was arrested in Florida for a felony count of soliciting a minor for unlawful sexual contact using computer services or devices, as well as giving obscene material to a minor. 

I don’t know if Vazquez was catfished, or if he’s just the stupidest fucking person to ever walk the earth, but he has *allegedly* had a sexual relationship with this victim since they were 13 years old. 

What. The. Fuck. Dude. 

When I first read this headline, I thought, “Oh, haha. Felipe Vazquez sent a dick pick to some 17-year old tinder hoe. How stupid of him? HAHAHAHAHA.” But this is serious shit. 

There is proof that Vazquez sent a video of himself “performing a sex act” to the victim in July. He sent a video of him beating his meat, let’s cut the legalese bullshit and call a spade a spade. 28-year old Felipe Vazquez sent a video of himself jerking off to a 15-year old, and told said victim that they would meet up in the offseason to have sex. The victim’s mother soon after found these messages and replied to Vazquez, “Hey, she’s a fucking 15-year old, you massive creep”, if Imay paraphrase.

What the fuck is happening? Why is this not a bigger deal? Remember when R Kelly had a sex tape with a 15-year old? Or Woody Allen dating his step-daughter? Or R Kelly marrying Aaliyah when she was 16? Weird that R Kelly gets brought up twice when we talk about statutory rape, huh? But anyways, those guys got CRUSHED because of their crimes, I expect nothing less for Vazquez. This dude at the minimum TRIED to fuck a 15-year old, and may have had sex with a 13-year old girl. 

Why have sex with a teenager? You’re a superstar in Venezuela. Just go have sex with Miss Venezuela, I guarantee you it’s legal and, probably, boatloads of fun. Or, maybe just don’t have sex with a FUCKING 15-YEAR OLD.

Fuck Felipe Vazquez, fuck the Pirates, and fuck this whole situation. 

Also, definitely don’t go peeking through my twitter looking for tweets where I said I wanted him on the Red Sox. DEFINITELY won’t find anything there.

Photo: John McCoy/Getty Images


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