So the Red Sox Got Their Dicks Kicked In On Opening Day, but Everyone Please CALM DOWN

I mean seriously, what the fuck was that?

I know there is such a thing as coming out flat to start the year, but good god, at least try to look competitive.

Unfortunately, I’m talking about the Boston Red Sox. As the team started the 2019 season with aspirations of setting the tone early and looking to be the first team to repeat as World Series champions in 18 years, things didn’t go so hot. Basically, everything that could’ve gone wrong did go wrong.

While the offense started off the game looking great with three consecutive one-out singles in the first inning, punctuated by a JD Martinez RBI knock to put the team up 1-0. That was followed up by Chris Sale striking out the side in the bottom half of the inning. Then in the top of the second, a sac fly from Andrew Benintendi made the score 2-0. “Holy Guacamole, this team is unbeatable already!” Were words that came out of my mouth heading into the bottom half of the second inning. I was so confident that I tweeted this. fullsizeoutput_854

No chance this could come back to haunt me.

And then…. And then.

Chris Sale, in the bottom half of the second inning, turned into a puddle of mud, for lack of a better term. He first showed signs of not having it, to put it lightly, by giving up an absolute MOON BOMB to Tim Beckham, who has quickly turned from a below-league-average shortstop into one of the cockiest and coolest hitters in the league. 

Following that there was Domingo Santana two-run double to right to put the Mariners up 3-2 in a jiffy. Still, I was optimistic. Chris Sale is typically amazing at the beginning of the season, this is only a hiccup. He’ll come back out next inning and shut the M’s down.


Sale came out for the bottom of the third and gave up a dead center field bomb to Edwin Encarnacion and his stupid imaginary bird, and followed that up by serving up a cookie to Tim Beckham AGAIN, this time a two-run blast. Later, after a sac fly would bring in one more run, Chris Sales day was over.

3 innings, 76 pitches, 6 hits, 2 walks, 7 earned runs.


That’s not a great look. fullsizeoutput_859

It would only get worse. A Ryon Healy home run here and a Domingo Santana homer there and, pow, it was over. Final score 12-4 Mariners.



Everyone, collectively, chill the fuck out. Yes, the Red Sox and their $145 million ace got their shit pushed in on national television on Opening Day. It stung like alcohol on a freshly opened wound, but it’s one game. Sure it was gross to watch, but there are literally 161 more games to go. That’s the beauty of baseball. The Mariners are hot, somehow, and had an enthusiastic crowd behind them, crazier things have happened. It’s not like the Red Sox lost 16-1 in a playoff game at home, AMIRITE???? AHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahh, you gotta laugh at something in a time like this. Chris Sale acknowledged how shitty he pitched after the game, saying “Our guys put us in a pretty good situation to help us win… I basically did everything I could to mess that up”. I get you, Chris. He would also go onto to highlight his fastball command and lack of feel for his slider for his struggles against the Mariners bats. Well, luckily Chris has 5 days to figure that shit out before his next start.

The real concern I have is the amount of “OH, WELL NOW WE’RE STUCK WITH SHITTY CHRIS SALE” takes I’ve already seen. Again, everyone, chill the fuck out. The track record speaks for itself. Sale is going to be okay. I know it’s mostly just people angry and looking for something to bitch about, but if I have to listen to people complain about how much money Chris Sale is making after every bad start he makes for the next five years, I’m going to kill someone. Luckily, Alex Speier had a little factoid to calm your nerves about Sale’s opening day ineptitude. 

I’ve don’t know much about this Pedro fellow, but apparently, Alex thinks Chris Sale is worthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as him. I wonder if that Martinez guy was any good during that season. I’m too lazy to look into it so I guess we’ll never know. 

Anyways, the Red Sox lost on Opening Day, but our Friend Tom Caron has something to brighten your day.

In other news, the Red Sox already secured the 2019 World Series. We just go the ugly one out of the way early. The only place to go from here is up. The 2018 Sox went 16-1 after losing on Opening Day last year, so basically expect the same exact thing this time around.

As the great Billy Madison once said, “Now you’re all in big, BIG trouble.”

Photo: Jim Davis, Boston Globe


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