The Good, The Bad, The Even Uglier. Winners and Losers from Week Two of College Football

The second week of college football is already in the books, and BOY was it a doozy. We got upsets, we got beatdowns, we got craziness, and most importantly, we got Winners and Losers. 

Let’s look at the biggest highlights and lowlights from College Football’s week two. 

Winner- Clemson Tigers

One of the biggest games of the weekend, one of the biggest games of the year on paper, was Clemson vs Texas A&M. After an amazing game last season, the two schools were slated to run it back again, this time in death valley. It was billed as a battle of two of the nation’s best quarterback. I hate Trevor Lawrence and picked Kellen Mond as one of my sleeper Heisman candidates, so I had alot invested in this game. And then the game got underway and Clemson showed why they’re the number one team in the nation. 

The Tigers, more specifically T-Law, LIT UP the Aggies all afternoon. Kellen Mond got SMOTHERED by the Clemson front 7, the Texas A&M offense never got going, and Clemson won easily 24-10. That was basically the toughest opponent Clemson will face until the ACC Championship, so they’re going back to the College Football Playoff again. Ugh.


Loser- Florida State

You fucking bums. 

You went to double overtime with UL Monroe, and only won because of a missed extra point? AT HOME? Is Florida the easiest place to place at UNLESS you’re Florida State? How do you give up 44 points to UL Monroe? How does Cam Akers put up 248 yards of total yards with three touchdowns and you almost lose? HOW DOES WILLIE TAGGART STILL HAVE A JOB????? I said he was on the hot seat last week after blowing an 18 point lead to Boise State, but somehow this win feels worse than that catastrophic loss. I mean, come on, it’s UL Monroe. It’s genuinely embarrassing that you really did have to ‘Find a way’ to beat UL Monroe.

Cancel Florida State football. Free Cam Akers. This is a SHIT SHOW. 


Winner- Blowout Games

Last week, with some of the weakest games of the year, there were almost no true-blue college football blowouts. This week, things got back to normal. Oregon won 77-6 against a good Nevada team, Oklahoma beat South Dakota 70-14, Wisconsin beat Central Michigan 61-0, Washington State mouth fucked Northern Colorado 59-17, Alabama peed on New Mexico State 62-10, and Georgia beat Murray State 63-17. College football is just better when teams win by 45+. Fuck the FCS schools. Take your paychecks and take your beatings on the chin. 


Winner- Matthew McConaughey on College Gameday 

Is anyone cooler than Matthew McConaughey? Could anyone besides him be as much of a super fan for their alma mater and not look like the biggest asshole of all time? There are endless moments of McConaughey being THE Mr. Texas Longhorns, whether it’s him on the sidelines at the 2006 Rose Bowl, him hyping up the Texas basketball team, or him now teaching a course in Austin, the guy just bleeds burnt orange. On Saturday, College Football Gameday was in Austin for the MEGA showdown between LSU and Texas. The CFG crew decided to pull out all the stops and brought out Matty Mac in all his Glory.

Between the car, the hat, the official title of the minister of culture, him ripping off Lee Ocorsi’s tiger mask and humming it into the crowd, everything about Matthew McConaughey’s Saturday was electric.

 Well, except for… 


Loser- Texas LongHorns and Sad Matthew McConaughey

In one of the biggest games of the year between two of the best teams in the country, Texas brought out all the superstars. Jordan Spieth, The Undertaker, the previously mentioned minister of culture, and noted rap icon Mo Bamba were all in attendance for the mother of all games. And guess what happened? Texas got their doors blown off by Joey Checkdowns, Joe Burrow. Texas kept it close until the middle of the third quarter, when Burrow linked up with Justin Jefferson for a 61-yard touchdown that really put the game out of reach. LSU wins 45-38. Tigers jump into the top 5, Texas falls out of the top 10. But, while the loss might be devastating to most Texas fans, Sad Matthew McConaughey makes me sad, and I fucking hate Texas, too.

 No one too the loss harder than McConaughey. Well, maybe this kid did. 


Loser- Michigan Wolverines

You almost lost to Army. ARMY!! A team that completed two passes all game! If it wasn’t for the fact that the Black Knights had a freshman kicker lined up for a GW Field goal as time expired, You would’ve gotten Appalachian state’d again. Oh, and the fact that your team did this shit after winning in DOUBLE OVERTIME VS ARMY, JUST TO REMIND YOU, they went and did this shit.

Absolute clown show at the Big House. Michigan sucks, Shea Patterson sucks, and Wolverines are a dumb animal. 


Loser- Tennessee Volunteers

You are 0-2. You’ve lost to Georgia State and BYU. Both games you had leads in. Both games were at home.

 Hold this gigantic L. Start packing your bags Jeremy Pruitt, you’ll be asked to leave very soon. 


Winner- UNC and Mack Brown



Week 3 will come soon enough. I want more upsets.


Photo via Student Union Sports


Leave a Reply

Powered by

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: