The XFL is going to be here in two days so it’s time to introduce you to football’s next great dynasty

It’s time for the real fun to begin. Now that the BS NFL season is over and all that pansi ass football is gone and done until August, the moment has arrived when the REAL king of the football world to come to the forefront. 

Yes, the XFL is back and it’s back with a vengeance. 

Thank God himself that the crazy old bastard Vince McMahon caught the bug again and decided now was his time to give his football league another crack. 

We are T- 2 days until the second inaugural opening day for the XFL, and if you’re caught off guard by that and haven’t picked a team to root for yet, fear not sports fan. I am here to show you the way. While there are a bunch of interesting teams across the league to throw your support behind (The DC Defenders and Tampa Bay Vipers both have extremely interesting rosters), I am here to preach the gospel of the St. Louis Battlehawks.

But Owen, What makes the Battlehawks worthy of rooting for?” Well I’ll tell you. Two words: Jordan Ta’amu. The Throwin’ Samoan is quarterbacking this team, and if you haven’t been introduced you’re in for quite a show. During his senior season at Ole Miss, Ta’amu threw for 3,918 yards and 19 touchdowns in 12 games in an incredibly tough SEC west division. Sure, he was throwing to stud NFL caliber players like DK Metcalf, AJ Brown, and Dawson Knox, but my man was SLANGIN the pill all over the field. 

He can run, he can throw, he’s from Hawaii (Tua 2.0???), and he is calling the signals for the best team in the XFL. And guess what? Even if Ta’amu were to get unlikely hurt, they’ve got scramblin’ Nick Fitzgerald as a replacement. The team is STACKED at quarterback. 

You know where else they’re stacked? Running back. The Battlehawks decided to draft not one physically imposing running back, but TWO of them. Former Seahawk Christine Michael and former Redskin Fat Matt Jones are going to be splitting carries and are going to be trucking the shit out of helpless defenders all season long.

You know what else they got? Just one of the most entertaining punters in NFL history in Marquette King! You know what gets a team fired up? When their punter can send a ball 65 yards downfield whenever he wants, but also has 4.5 speed and can take off and run at any time. Marquette King is the definition of an electric factory, and he is going to THRIVE in St Louis.

Speaking of thriving in St Louis, do you know why you should really be a fan of the St Louis Battlehawks? Because St Louis has been without football for 5 years now after getting butt fucked by Stan Kroenke back in 2015. These are a deprived group of fans that are CRAVING some hard-hitting, testosterone-injected football. The Battlehawks are going to be playing in the Rams’ old stadium, The Dome at America’s Center, which is an absolute BARN, and they’re going to be cheered on by the rowdiest fans in the XFL. The team has by far the biggest following on social media out of all the teams in the league, and that loyalty is going to be shown week in and week out.

This is the time to get on board. If you care about football, if you care about the XFL, it’s time to get ready for battle. Come fly with the Battlehawks, it’s gonna be a wild ride.

Photo via XFL


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