We Have to Talk About the Philadelphia Flyers’ New Mascot

I know what you’re all thinking: what the FUCK is that thing? In fact, if you’re not thinking that, you may want to get yourself checked for psychopathy, because that thing is scary as hell. But the question of “what the fuck is that thing?” remains unanswered… I can’t say with confidence that I know what it is, but I know who it is. It’s the new mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers.

But why on earth would the Flyers make their mascot something that resembles the product of an incestuous relationship between Animal the Muppet and Grimace from McDonald’s? Your guess is as good as mine.

But Philly fans, don’t let this dollar store version of the Philly Phanatic get you down. In fact, you should give this new mascot a chance. Not only did he have a photoshoot done out of excitement, but his name is Gritty. The city that gave us Vince Papale doesn’t want a primadonna mascot. They want something that will go stand on the ice for two hours and get blackout drunk with the fans afterward, only for them to find out that he was blackout drunk the entire time. That’s exactly what Gritty is.

So what if he looks like the lovechild of Happy Gilmore’s caddy and the Syracuse Orange? Are you anti-inter-mascotal relationships? If so, shame on you. Gritty just wants to be a part of something special, and give some people nightmares in the process. Specifically, other teams. And look, he’s already doing his job. Doing it well, I might add.

So this begs the question: where does Gritty rank among the all-time mascots? Obviously, he has no experience, so we can’t judge him based on success. But can he stack up with the likes of Wally the Green Monster, the Stanford Cardinal, Brutus the Buckeye, and Green Man? I think he can.

Never before have I seen a mascot evoke the reaction that Gritty evoked today. The internet went absolutely nuts over his introduction, and there’s not a single sports fan who doesn’t already know who he is. If he can do all that with a simple photo shoot and a few well-timed tweets, I can’t imagine what he’ll do in a packed stadium full of the rowdiest fans in the United States.

So yes, he does look like the bastard son of Elmo and Tangela the Pokemon, but that’s okay. I’m standing up for Gritty, and you should too. The screams and cries of toddlers he tried to pose for pictures with will be worth the memories that he creates. One day we’ll all look back and say thank you. Thank you to Philadelphia for finding a mascot who looks more suited to join the Chuck-E-Cheese band. We love you, Gritty.

P.S. On a completely unrelated note: if you live in Philadelphia, lock your doors at night.

Photo: Philadelphia Flyers/NHL


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